On Halloween, ghouls, goblins and ghosts of last season’s past (Tom! Adam! Cookie!) roam free. And this feels like the appropriate place to begin season ten of The Real Housewives of New York. Not much happened, but holy hell things were scary (yes, we will get to Luann’s costume).
It’s great to see our Ladies Liberty again. Bethenny has channeled her energy into real estate, Puerto Rico relief and outing Ramona on her paltry $3,000 donation. While the loss of her first pup, Cookie, made her do bizarre things like, I don’t know, record and share a selfie vid of her weeping immediately after Cookie died (ugh), she also seems to have found her platonic happy place with her trusted employee, Kevin.
Ramona, $3,000 lighter in her wallet, has got a new ’do and is still giving people seizures bossing them around. $10K-Tinsley bought some HomeGoods pillows and picture frames (with photos of herself in them, mind you!) to make her perma hotel room feel like a home. Still, she has yet to realize that “Q4” is the saddest reason to break up with someone. Not even the Wolf of Wall Street had the gall to tell his wife he was too busy to hang during “Q4.” Oh, Tins, he’s not gonna call come “Q1.” The numbers just don’t add up. But we know in your heart, you’ll always be a CouponCabin girl.
In other CouponCabin-Gal news (Carole and Tinsley seem to be the only Housewives to hang in the off-season, doing this terrible thing): Carole is still having morning coffee with Adam. Get it? They’re having s-e-x. But they’re also having actual coffee…I think…I got lost in the metaphor (or whatever that was).
As for Sonja and Lu? Well, things are…scary. Sonja spent 12 days in "Cyosta Reeka," a pronunciation so bone-chillingly bizarre, I doubt I was the only RHONY viewer to audibly gasp. And Lu, oh dear. In one off-season she got divorced and arrested. But somehow the cherry on top of ol’ Lu’s pain is that she received not a call from nary a woman who warned her not to marry Tom in the first place. She is suffering. We know this because she said at least twice, “I’ve suffered so much.”
Alas, our ladies reunite at Dorinda’s Halloween party, where the theme was simply, "Famous People Who Are Alive." Do we get mostly famous, alive people? No, we do not. We get Lucille Ball (not alive!), Barbie (not alive!) and Amelia Earhart (well, that one might have been cheeky?). The hostess’s own boyfriend is—wait for it—just a guy in a S.W.A.T. vest channeling his grossest Harvey Weinstein. I do have to say, Ramona slayed as an “Oops I Did It Again” Britney, and Dorinda was an adorable Gaga (if there’s one thing we know about Dorinda, it’s that she loves Lady Gaga!).
And then, there’s Lu. Did Lu work within the parameters of the theme? Sure. Did she work within the parameters of racial sensitivity and general goodness? No. Lu showed up as Diana Ross. Fine. But she was extra spray-tanned and wearing a wig that was too caricatured, and it felt icky. If it feels icky, it usually is icky. Lu, be better than that.
As for the drama we come here for, there was some, but it was mostly of the drunken squabble nature. Most of the women haven’t seen each other in a while (even Ramona and Sonja are on the outs), so they’re just like little teapots in wigs releasing steam. Bethenny and Ramona chirped (loudly) over the semantics of what it means in the Hamptons to be “south of the highway” and proceeded to have a pissing contest over how many rich-woman toys they have (this is why I love RHONY). Dorinda got sloppy and angrily pivoted around her circumference spouting off how rude it was of Sonja not to greet the hostess, until—boom!— not-alive Lucille Ball was there to meet her gaze, de-escalating what could have been a major Dorinda blow-up moment.
And Lu, who spent the past two years imploring these women to love her love, is now sitting in her deeply offensive costume petitioning her case as if none of them warned her of Tom being a bad marshmallow. You just want to slap her.
And yet the lingering question remains: if Lu never took Tom’s name, is she still the Countess? I think we all know the answer: Zombie Countess, depraved and flesh hungry, has risen, and she’s ready for some karaoke.