The Best Halloween Candy of All Time, Super Scientifically Ranked from Tasty to Trash
Remember that neighbor from your childhood who gave out such terrible candy (or worse, boxes of raisins) that by fourth grade, you didn’t even bother with their house anymore and basically avoided eye contact from August through November? Don’t be that person. To ensure you’re giving out the good stuff (or eating it on your own while you binge a bunch of Halloween movies), we’ve carefully ranked all the best Halloween candy, from best to worst. You’re welcome.
3. Take 5
We appreciate how hard they’re trying. And we’ll eat anything that involves pretzels.
4. Sour Patch Kids
Would we coat our lives in the sugary dust that settles at the bottom of the bag? The answer isn’t no.
If you didn’t get one of these hopelessly stuck in your molars, did Halloween really even happen?
7. Starburst (Pinks)
We would do unspeakable things for pink Starbursts. Good thing they make bags full of just the good stuff, so we don’t have to.
8. Hershey’s Cookies and Cream
We don’t even care that it’s not “real white chocolate.” Haters, stay back.
9. Reese’s Fast Break
Finding one of these in your Halloween candy bag is like finding an all-marshmallow box of Lucky Charms.
Strawberry Twizzlers are in a whole other class from regular licorice. And that is a very, very good thing.
12. Milk Duds
What’s the opposite of a dud? A victory? Yeah, they should rename these to that…or something.
Listen, we’ll trade you six green M&M’s for three red ones. We know they taste the same. Or do they?
What the heck Nerds? They’re tiny, crunchy bits of sugar, is what. And that’s why we love ’em so.
15. Air Heads
Getting a mystery flavor is like winning the Halloween candy lottery. (FYI, we still don’t know what flavor it is.)
We’ve tasted the rainbow, and we wish it would bring back lime instead of that cursèd green apple nonsense.
17. Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers
It’s the only kind of worm we want to see in our Halloween candy, to be quite honest.
18. Almond Joy
Real talk: We would prefer these with milk chocolate and, well, zero almonds. (But alas, Bounty bars aren’t sold in the United States.)
19. Starburst (Reds, Yellows and Oranges)
We’ll never know how they got to share a package with those delicious pink guys, but we suppose it could be worse. (See no. 45.)
20. Sugar Babies
Just make sure you put your dentist on speed dial before cracking open a box.
Bonus points for the chewy kind.
22. Original Tootsie Roll
These guys are a little chocolaty, a little waxy and taste like something our grandpa would keep in his pocket for “emergencies.” Nothin’ wrong with that.
23. Tootsie Fruit Chews
See above. Slightly waxy and found in a grandparent’s jacket pocket, but this time flavored with fruit. We have a soft spot for the vanilla ones.
Sure, they’re pretty inoffensive. But they’re certainly not *Milk Duds* and they have a way of squirting caramel down your chin, every single time.
Coconut and dark chocolate felt sophisticated when we were 11. Now we just wish it came in milk.
We’ll admit that they’re only good when eaten in threes or the entire roll shoved in your mouth at once.
27. Hershey’s Chocolate
Like the Jennifer Aniston of the Halloween candy haul: Fine…if not a little boring. (The one exception—and this is crucial—is if the neighbor is giving out full-size bars).
29. Caramel Apple Pops
We’d kinda sorta like them, if they didn’t threaten to rip our teeth clean from our mouth in one go. Eat at your own risk, folks.
Had we wanted to eat chalk, we would’ve done so when our kindergarten teacher wasn’t looking.
32. Bottle Caps
It’s all fun and games until you think you’re biting into a root beer bottle cap and it turns out to be an orange one that tastes like medicine.
33. Blow Pops
Does anyone actually like the plasticky chewing gum that lurks in the center of these things?
34. Mr. Goodbar
He’s good, but not, like, amazing.
If we’re in a dark movie theater, sure, we’ll down an entire king-size box of these. But on Halloween, our standards are suddenly much, much higher.
36. Crunch Bar
Tell us again, why did we need to ruin perfectly mediocre chocolate with surprise bits of mystery gravel?
37. Baby Ruth
Great baseball player? Yes. Great candy? Not so much. Loses points for appearance and the fact that we had to Google what it’s even made of.
This would be ever so slightly better if it were enrobed in chocolate. It just feels…sad.
39. 3 Musketeers
Is it just us, or is this the chintziest of all the candy bars? Plain old nougat…it’s got no chutzpah!
42. Junior Mints
These taste like toothpaste. They do, so sue us. They’d be marginally better if you didn’t need to brush your teeth after.
It’s like they’re not even trying to get our attention. We’re almost sorry we dissed that box of raisins.
44. Gum (Specifically Double Bubble)
If you’re looking for saccharine-sweet flavor for seconds followed by disappointment, well, look no further.
45. Strawberry Hard Candies
Congratulations. You trick-or-treated at the actual devil’s house and made it out alive.