Hurray, it’s the holiday season again! Which means, for better or worse, there is going to be compulsory gift giving, Elf on the Shelf situating and family feasting. It’s what we’re all taught is the most magical time of the year! Except, the pressures of merry-making and family time can lead to, well, being caught in old and unhealthy family dynamics. At least that’s my experience, because who knows when a little squabble over canned cranberry sauce-versus-homemade can escalate into a screaming match? Real life is no Hallmark film. As a decades-long pal texted me, “Those holiday movies where the families all have issues but everybody is still lovable if quirky annoy me. Let's see some violent meltdowns with property damage and a couple punches to the gut, ffs.” So, how do we deal when the inevitable conflicts arise?
Forget "Let Them." Here Are the 3 Words That Should Be Your Holiday Mantra Instead
It really takes the edge off
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Enter podcaster Mel Robbins, author of The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About, a self-help manual that recently pogo’ed up best seller lists. It’s no wonder, since Robbins’s pithy advice really hits with my contemporaries, especially helicopter parents and sandwich generation caregivers. Basically, her theory says that, whenever you find yourself upset about a family member or friend’s actions, rather than ruminate or try to persuade them to change their behavior, simply say, “Let them.”
She gives examples like her teen choosing the wrong place for prom dinner, so she’s presumably talking about minor disagreements, and naturally, she gives an exception for dangerous behaviors of tots. (Robbins’s follow-up suggestion, “Let me…” is an important next step for re-focusing the worried person’s attention on their own self-care.) Anyway, well done, Mel Robbins, you’ve repackaged codependency recovery for the ‘20s, undoubtedly helping legions and making a bag doing so.
However, what about those of us who want something extra to gird us in times of not-so-Yuletide-cheer? As a narcissist, I’d say “let them” is pretty much my set point naturally. But still I find myself rankled during holidays with the fam. Maybe it’s a holdover from growing up, when family dis-ease was thrumming always in the background, decades of family conflict resulting from political, geographic and age differences.
My holiday memories flood in acid Kodachrome: The great '80s Northern Ireland debate that led my Catholic family to silently drop me off at a bus stop. The aughts exchange (that spiraled into a Child Services investigation) in which my 12-year-old son literally tore down the Christmas tree. Another highlight was that special '90s holiday when a family member offered her insightful critique of a history channel doc: "You know, Hitler really was a bad guy." Happy holiday memories! Maybe your family conflict isn't quite so ugly, but chances are, emotionally it is.
I’ve found trying to “talk it out” is futile in most cases, especially when family member world views fundamentally are so at odds. Instead, I’ve developed an end-run around the bad feelings such exchanges stir up in me. I visualize the following three words: “Family, not friends.”
Rather than screaming at parties, even inwardly, for their actions or viewpoints, I've taken to looking at family gatherings in terms of harm reduction. Would I choose these people out of a crowd to spend an afternoon with? No, I would not. Did these people wipe my nose, feed me and clothe me as a child? And, in ways I may never understand, inform who I am today? Yes, they did.
In addition to self-preservation moves (I always keep a getaway car ready at any gathering, stay well-hydrated, arrive well-rested and avoid inebriation, for example), I keep my little three-word mutter handy. "Family, not friends." I say it to myself, meditation style. I smile at myself in the mirror and think it.
The sentiment helps me remember that, while I won't always (or usually) agree with my in-laws, parents, siblings or cousins, I don't have to. A few hours once or twice a year isn't the time to change their worldview with incisive paragraphs of ideology—that's what famous viewpoint-changer Facebook is for. I just have to get through holidays with the fam, and remember to keep that boundary in my head: "Family, not friends." And I bring my own can of Ocean Spray, just in case.
