12 Words I'm Banning From My Holiday Table This Year

What's the most surprising winner in TikTok's crazy attention economy? Not the blue nail theory. Nor the discovery that Ina Garten has eaten the same breakfast for a decade. Not even the continued domination of celebrity naked dressing (at PureWow, we thought this would be passé by now). Props to all these essential lifestyle stories, but the most interesting social media focus these days is #etiquette—with around 150, 000 posts explaining manners and how to act.

So in the spirit of sharing and caring, I'm here to add my personal etiquette tips for my holiday table. My rules are less "bring a hostess gift" (although I think NA beverages are of-the-moment) and more STFU. Not going to sugar coat it—I am not in the mood for any hard feelings around my holiday table this year. Think of this as my version of the no-politics wedding trend, in which I am instituting a stealth campaign of faux civility to the holidays. Look, if you want to deep dive into the true histories of Thanksgiving and other seasonal commemorations, I invite you to pull me aside and we can swap reading lists. But honestly, you're not going to change Uncle Ernie's mind about social justice during an hour-long meal, and I did not plan, shop and cook for days just to have hostile words and misremembered podcast opinions casting a pall on my white tablecloth.

Instead, I want to keep the holidays as they are meant to be, gatherings where family members gossip about relatives’ disease diagnoses, ask you why you're not married/having a baby yet and swap anodyne sports and celeb news involving Taylor Swift and Denzel. Look, I’ve spent much of my life marching, fostering conflict and plain-old yelling (then as I mellowed/aged a bit, conversing) about politics. However everything is just so fraught these days, so…is it too much to ask to make my little tablecloth a DMZ for the day, a no-fly zone for angry talk?

This isn’t both sides-ism, I promise—it’s not wanting the stuffing to get cold. This holiday I’m going to do my best to be a peacemaker at my holiday table, or at least a cunning conversational guide. Here's my script on how to swerve the conversation when the following topics come up. Feel free to crib them, or reject them and me as a coward. Just know…I’m thinking this is a one-day pause, not me waving a white flag. Again, if I’m making a whole damn turkey, I want to enjoy it. And I think the turkey deserves it too.

1. The Economy. “Yep. I’m hearing lots of talk about tariffs, however lately I've been spending my money and time on weekend getaways. Like the other day I went to [some place nearby] and it was fun. Have you taken any fun trips lately?”
2. The Election. “Yes, we just had elections! I wonder how people even get started in political careers these days? Oops, think I have to go check on the gravy.”
3. Foreign Wars. “So much discussion about international conflict in the news today. Such heartbreak. Makes me realize how much we should really appreciate this meal together.”
4. Ozempic. “Gosh you know, I don’t like to judge someone else’s choices about their bodies. Anyway, today is all about feasting! [Said with a big smile and if appropriate, a playful poke into the judgy person’s tummy].” (Leaving that one up for a little improvisation.)
5. Donald Trump. “Never a dull moment! Wait is something burning, let me check!”
6. The Way It Used to Be/Good Ole Days. “You’re a fan of tradition, why don’t you come help me in the kitchen with that tried-and-true task I like to call mashing a huge pot of potatoes? ”
7. Climate Change. “You know what’s even more terrifying than climate change? The time change…some states don’t even set the clocks back. I’m like, what time is it? And while we’re at it, what is time even?”
8. Woke Anything. “Wow I am feeling a little bit of a sore throat coming on, excuse me while I go take a long pull off a Nyquil bottle.”
9. The Border. “You know, I’m so glad you brought up immigration on this day that we celebrate Thanksgiving (in which hungry foreigners staved off starvation with help from native peoples) and Christmas (aka, a refugee kid is born in a homeless shelter). This reminds me—did you bring your non-perishables to donate?”
10. AI. "Machine learning, machine schmerning! How about we practice our emotional intelligence by making sure each guest has a drink, snack and another guest to chat with, before we sit down to eat?"
11. Government Shutdown. “BRB, folks, I’ll just be sticking my head in this bucket of gravy.”
12. Other forms of government…Unions…Covid or Vaccinations: “And that’s all she wrote, people! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”