What’s Your Teen’s Emotional Quotient (and Why Is It More Important Than Any Standardized Test Score)?

Being a teen today is a whole new world, even from as recently as a decade ago. Phones are so ubiquitous that even pediatricians have given up the idea of limiting screen time. Studies acknowledge that brain development doesn’t stop ‘til the mid-20s. There’s stealing of brainrot and other nonsensical slang I can’t decode.  And, looking back a bit, there was that whole Covid Era social derailment, which anecdotally parents say created big gaps in people skills. In other words, teens today are navigating all kinds of novel challenges, and many parents are (understandably) worried about how they’re faring when it comes to things like self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.

So when I came across a post by VaynerMedia head and social media star Gary Vaynerchuk about how important “emotional quotient” is in life, I wondered: How is my teen and his peer group doing in developing this important life skill? I sought out a former middle school teacher-turned-emotional intelligence expert to give me some clues to look for in assessing whether or not my kid and his pals are developing these very important “soft skills.”

Lori Woodley-Langendorff is an award-winning thought-leader, author and public speaker. A public school teacher for 30 years, she is the author of SEL Muscle Mastery: 6 Tools for Building Resilience and Connection in Schools and Communities. She is the co-founder and Chief Visionary Officer of All It Takes— a nonprofit she launched with her daughter, actress-producer Shailene Woodley, and runs with her son, Tanner Woodley.

An emotional quotient (EQ) is a non-clinical, loose way of qualifying a person’s emotional intelligence. And what exactly is that? “I think of emotional intelligence as the skills that it takes to be human—to be able to talk to another person and to be able to recognize another person's like emotions,” Woodley-Langendorff says. And—spoiler alert—having emotional intelligence is crucial to just about everything.

“Emotional intelligence are the skills to have enough confidence to have an interview for a job, they're the skills it takes to redirect a conflict into opportunity for growth,” notes Woodley-Langendorff“People call them soft skills, but I think they're the most critical skills.” Here’s an example: You can teach somebody how to do a math problem, but if they're not willing to try and fail, then you’re going to struggle to teach the math. “That's what our educators are dealing with right now, as well as our workplace employers,” the expert says.

So, how do you know if your teen has high or low levels of EQ? 

In conversations, does your teen talk about something that someone they care about is going through? Are they recognizing their own pain with the world right now? “Woodley-Langendorff acknowledges that politically, things are chaotic right now. “Wherever you sit in some of the divisions…Are they able to talk about the other side? Because emotional intelligence, even if you don't agree with another side, is absolutely curious about why the other side is there. And so, is our child, our family, demonstrating curiosity about something outside of themselves?” So if your teen asks how Nana is doing these days or interested in thoughtful political debate, give them a gold star for a growing EQ.

Does your teen understand they have chores that are their own responsibilities? “We all spit in the sink when we brush our teeth. Why is it only the house cleaner or the parent who's cleaning the sink?” Woodley-Langendorff asks. “Most of the time it's because we've given up the fight for chores.” The expert suggests a thought experiment: Think of your child as living 100 years, then subtract the age they are now. If they are 15, say, then ask yourself: Is this chore/lesson/task/responsibility going to help them navigate the last 85 years of their life? “Is me giving up on this fight, by not requiring they do this chore, supporting my child to have the skills to do a good job with 85 percent of his lifetime?” she asks. “It can really help in that moment, take us out of our emotional attachment into our practical parenting.” If your teenage son puts leftover pizza in the fridge after eating it, that’s a solid “C” for the day’s EQ; If he takes out the full garbage including the big pizza box, that’s a higher mark (at least in my household).

Peer relations are an important part of emotional intelligence, Woodley-Langendorff says. “Is our child isolating 100 percent of the time and doesn't know how to be in person with other people?” If your teen is having hang-outs with peers like mall prowling or pick-up basketball games, that’s a win for the day’s EQ.

If instead your teen isolates, they get a big “Needs improvement” in the EQ column and Woodley Langendorff suggests getting out as a family to help this along. One meaningful way to do exactly that is volunteer work such as ocean cleanups, riverbed cleanups, cooking for homeless or animal shelter work. The important thing is not especially the activity but the act of joining a communal effort in order to build skills to be socially interactive with other humans. Why join the teens in the do-gooderism? “We have to create the time for it ourselves and not just tell them what they should be doing,” she says.

Teach teens to assess the emotional temperature—the vibes, in their language—of their surroundings, says Woodley-Langendorff “Are we noticing that the room is lifted and happier when we walk in, or are we dragging a room down when we walk in? Or another way to look at it—are rooms happier when you arrive or happier when you leave?asks. “Those are conversations parents can have. And then let's flip it around—are we happier when we walk into a roomor are we more anxious when we walk into it?” It’s a great questionbecause, truthfully, both my kid and I can use reminders to look at situations using the awareness of others, as the reflection of ourselves.

 “The thing that our teens need most is to see it from us first,” says Woodley-Langendorff. “Our teens have this giant hypocrisy radar today. They're built in and if we're not doing and saying the attitudes that we want from them, but we're requiring it of them, then our credibility is gone.” So parents: Work on increasing your own emotional quotient, and you’ll be surprised at how much your kid’s intuition and resilience grows, too.