If you’ve been scrolling through any reels in the wellness world lately, you might have encountered a buzzy new mental health concept dubbed the ‘Let Them’ theory. And then you might have asked things like, who’s ‘them’? What do I need to let them do? And why do I need to let them do it? As an open-minded skeptic, I did a little investigating into the Let Them theory and got the full scoop on it from a psychiatrist. Read on to learn more about the philosophy, what it looks like in practice and how it can potentially help reduce stress in your life.
What Is the Let Them Theory and How Can It Help You Strengthen Boundaries?
Plus reduce stress
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Published Dec 27, 2025
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Meet the Expert
Dr. Nona Kocher, MPH, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist, dually licensed in Florida and New York, and founder of Quintessence Psychiatry. Dr. Kocher provides a high level of care to teens and adults and believes in a holistic and nonjudgmental approach to mental health care that includes compassionate listening, as well as medication management, as needed.
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What Is the 'Let Them" Theory?
When people talk about the ‘Let Them’ theory, they’re referring to a mindset coined by Mel Robbins, a motivational speaker, podcast host and author of the book, The Let Them Theory ($14). And in short, the theory teaches you to stop trying to control others and instead accept what is beyond your control, thereby giving you more emotional peace, better relationships and overall happiness.
Robbins first came up with the idea when her son was getting ready for prom with his friends, and it turned out that the group hadn’t made any plans for where they were going to eat dinner beforehand. As she fretted about how a big group of kids were going to find something to eat last-minute and, in the rain, her daughter advised Robbins to just “let them” go to their prom instead of stressing about the details and trying to control the situation. She later developed this idea into a theory for managing personal stress and boundaries.
Dr. Kocher explains it like this: “When someone shows you who they are through their choices or behavior, instead of trying to control the situation, overexplain, or win them over, you step back and them act as they wish. You stop chasing. You stop correcting. And you stop trying to manage other people’s reactions.” The expert also notes that, from her perspective as a psychiatrist, “the idea isn’t a clinical model, but rather a practical philosophy about emotional boundaries and reducing unnecessary stress.”
This approach is particularly helpful for people who tend to overextend themselves or feel responsible for everyone’s feelings. “When you ‘let them,’ you allow reality to reveal itself without your interference—and by doing so, it often becomes clear who respects your time, who shows up for you, and who doesn’t,” explains Dr. Kocher, adding that “this kind of clarity can be grounding and protective.”
My first thought when learning about this philosophy was that it should just be renamed the zero f**** theory, but the psychiatrist corrected me: “This theory is not about apathy or giving up on relationships. It’s about refusing to exhaust yourself in situations where someone’s behavior is already telling you the truth. The emotional benefit is that you shift your focus back to your own well-being rather than trying to micromanage someone else’s choices.”
What Is the Core Mantra of the ‘Let Them’ Theory?
On the surface it seems like the mantra of the ‘let them’ theory is right there in the name. However, you might want to adapt this a little if the moniker is a little too vague for your taste. It was too vague for me, so I asked Dr. Kocher to provide me with an alternate mantra that is in keeping with the core principles of the theory. Her response? If you boil the ‘Let Them’ theory down to one mantra, it’s this:
Their choices are information, not a problem for you to fix.
“That line really captures the heart of the philosophy,” she says, adding that, “while Mel Robbins is the one who brought the concept into the mainstream, the idea itself echoes long-standing principles we use in mental health about boundaries and emotional responsibility.”
What Are the Psychological Benefits to This Theory?
So the philosophy is fairly simple: When someone behaves in a way that disappoints you or doesn’t meet the level of effort you’re offering, you just let them do their thing and reveal to you who they are and what their values are instead of trying to rewrite the script to your liking.
“In practice, it’s liberating. You stop spending energy managing someone else’s inconsistency, and you let their behavior clarify the relationship for you. It’s not about indifference. It’s about accepting that you can only control your side of the equation,” explains Dr. Kocher. As for the benefits of doing this—the information you get when you stand back and observe can allow you to make healthier choices for yourself.
As such, the expert says that the ‘Let Them’ mindset eases stress because you’re no longer trying to control other people’s reactions or behavior, which means “your body is no longer operating in a constant state of tension.”
Furthermore, Dr. Kocher notes that this mentality can cut down on resentment, since most resentment comes from overgiving or trying to force balance where it doesn’t exist. In other words, this can be a very useful theory for anyone who struggles with boundary setting.
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The ‘Let Them’ Theory in Practice
As someone who definitely does struggle with boundary setting, I was immediately curious about what this theory actually looks like in practice. How does it play out in real life in a way that feels positive and not uncaring? Dr. Kocher walked me through several different scenarios in which the ‘let them’ theory might be the healthier response in various areas of one’s life.
- Professional Relationships: So how does it play out in the workplace? It’s actually not that different from all the other scenarios. “If a colleague constantly interrupts deadlines or shows low follow-through, you don’t clean up every mess for them. You document what you need to, hold your line, and allow their work style to be seen for what it is,” says Dr. Kocher. By doing this, you protect your energy and make a conscious choice to not take on responsibilities that aren’t yours.
- Romantic Relationships: If someone you’re dating cancels often or puts in minimal effort, you don’t chase or try to convince them to care. You step back and watch what they choose to do without your prompting. “Their consistency or inconsistency tells you everything you need to know. You’re no longer carrying the emotional weight for both people.” Basically, you’re still allowed to feel disappointed by the outcome, but when you’re able to accept reality as it’s presented to you, the only work left to do is process your own feelings about it, which is a lighter burden than processing your own feelings while also trying to change someone else.
- Parenting: If your teenager refuses to plan ahead, you stop rescuing them every time they forget something. You still care, but you allow natural consequences to do some of the teaching. The goal isn’t punishment. It’s letting their own behavior guide their growth instead of you over-functioning. Side note: I have learned to really embrace natural consequences as a parent, and even though it pisses my kids off in the moment, they have actually praised me for it. By unwittingly exercising the ‘let them’ theory as a parent, I feel like I’m not only unburdening myself, but also empowering them…and that is a meaningful way to show caring.
Indeed, across all these settings, the theme is the same: you observe instead of overcorrecting, you respond to what people actually do, and you stop absorbing the emotional cost of someone else’s patterns. The end result? A quieter, steadier way of moving through relationships.
What Are the Drawbacks of the ‘Let Them’ Theory?
According to Dr. Kocher, the ‘Let Them’ theory can cause problems when it turns into emotional withdrawal: “If you take it too far, you may stop speaking up, avoid conflict altogether, or write people off before you even know the full story.” Basically, don’t overdo it and allow it to turn into an obstacle on the road to empathy and meaningful connection. If your desire to protect yourself with this theory is taken to the extreme it can lead to distance, loneliness, and missed chances to repair or understand someone’s behavior. Or, as Dr. Kocher puts it, “the healthy version still involves communication and context. It’s meant to protect your energy, not shut people out.”
