I Grew Up in a "Tough Love" Household—Has It Made Me a Bad Girlfriend? I Asked the Love Doc

My boyfriend and I are total opposites. He likes seafood; I hate it. He likes being inside; I like being outside. He's naturally lovey-dovey; I'm naturally impassive. Needless to say, we clash. So when I found my boyfriend crying at 1 a.m. in the living room, my first reaction was to hide. But when he was having a grief setback—something he’s experienced a few times—I did what any caring person would do: I consoled him. I even had sex with him at 2 a.m. to help him "feel" better (not in a weird way, guys, he initiated).

The next morning, I woke up to start my day and was surprised to see him still fast asleep as he usually gets up for work hours before me. Maybe he called out for the day, I thought. When I nudged him to check in, he was irritated, so I backed off. I checked on him again about an hour later, but he didn't budge (like at all), and I started getting worried. Not only was he still out of it, but he was barely talking to me. By 2 p.m., I was really worried. He hadn't moved, eaten or even used the bathroom.

It was clear to me that he was struggling and needed to restart therapy. In the past, when similar situations came up, and he talked about going back to his old sessions, I was passive: “If you feel like you need to talk to someone, you should, babe," I would say. But he never did, so at this bed rotting moment, I found myself on my last straw and was ready to lay down the law.

In my mind, he only had two options: Get himself back in therapy, or I was going to contact a mental health professional and let them decide what the best course of action was. But did I take it too far? He constantly says I act like I want to be his mother. I wasn't sure—I grew up in a tough love household, after all, so it felt normal to me—but since I'm no expert, I paged one.

• Dr. Sarah Hensley—also known as “The Love Doc”—is a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience in social psychology. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology from Miami University in 2004, a Master of Science degree in Psychology in 2007 and a PhD. in Experimental Psychology from the University of Kentucky in 2010. Dr. Hensley is also the founder of The Dating Decoder and a host of The Love Doc Podcast, where she discusses the intricacies of love, relationships, self-awareness and more.

Regarding tough love, Dr. Sarah Hensley explained that it shows up in two forms: honesty and boundaries. “We must be honest with people about our standards, in a respectful way, instead of not expressing our needs and standards because we fear that our partner will react poorly,” the Love Doc shares. This isn’t about controlling our partners—because we can’t. But it is about being upfront with your personal boundaries are à la ‘You’re free to choose whatever you want, but I'm letting you know that if you choose A, I'm doing B to keep myself safe and to honor what I need.’

Dr. Hensley shares an example from her own life: "With my oldest child, who is going into high school, I have to have a boundary around cleaning her room. If she doesn't clean it by a certain deadline, by my certain set of standards, my boundary is that I will go clean it for her—but I take cash, check or any item I can sell for my hourly rate for having to be her housekeeper. Essentially, she has to pay me, because in life you have to do things yourself or have to pay to have it done."

Since I was raised in a tough love household, this all sounded too familiar to me. When I was growing up, my mom used tough love to discipline me and set clear expectations and boundaries to make me learn from my mistakes. So, if I wasn't ready for school by 8 a.m., I would have to catch the bus, or if I didn't complete my chores on Sunday, I wouldn't receive an allowance for the next week. As I got older, it got more serious. If I wanted to stay in New York after I graduated, I would have to get a job or move back home. In other words, I'm no stranger to the cause and effect of my actions.

Is this…a bad thing? Am I messed up because I understand consequences? Dr. Hensley explains that in a tough love household, "Parents' goal should be to create a secure attachment to their children, and that's only created with emotional attunement, mutual respect and boundaries…Secure attachment to our caregivers is absolutely vital to becoming emotionally healthy adults." On the other hand, if tough love is abused and motivated by pride, a child may grow up to be an insecurely attached adult who struggles to resolve conflict, take feedback or show up emotionally available toward their partners. "Behavior is learned through modeling and experience, and some adults don't ever recognize that they are emotionally stunted people who behave dysfunctionally in their romantic relationship," she adds. So, has growing up in a tough love household totally ruined my love life? According to Dr. Hensley’s feedback, not at all.

While I may be strict with my partner and struggle to resolve conflict in the healthiest way (I’m human!), she assured me that it’s fine to set boundaries by not enabling poor or harmful behavior. The key is to not set ultimatums. “Consequences? Yes. Punishments and ultimatums? No. The difference is in the intent to control the other person,” she told me. 

However, regarding the situation with my boyfriend, she said she understood why I felt torn between taking an assertive (tough love) and a passive (soft love) approach. As she said, “When it comes to mental health concerns with our partner, if we fail to act, there could be life and death consequences. [But] if we push too hard, we risk activating their nervous system that is already extremely dysregulated.”

In this instance, she recommended that I opt for a soft love strategy instead of a tough love one, at least at first. More specifically, she advised me to try to have a non-critical conversation about his mental health and concerning behavior. “I would let him know it comes from a place of deep love and concern, and that you want to support him in getting help from the right person. I would emphasize that mental health professionals can guide him back to feeling safe and help him process his emotions,” she added. “I would then ask if you could help him by researching therapists and making the appointment for him, because often people in grief are in a freeze state, which would also explain why he couldn’t get out of bed.” And if he won’t agree to that? Then serve him with some tough love and “discuss your boundaries around everyone owning their role to heal their trauma and taking action to do so,” she said.

In any case, it seems I was too pushy too soon, and he and I both have some healing to do. Keyword: healing. So, no, growing up in a tough love household hasn’t totally ruined my love life. Has it made me less sensitive and a pushy problem solver? Yes, but I’m working on it, and my first step is helping (not forcing) my boyfriend to go back to therapy as hard as that may be—and trust me, it is.