Mindless Swiping Is Out. Intuitive Dating Is In.

What is intuitive dating?

According to Day, “intuitive dating is the ability to connect with the relationship you want before it comes into your life—and then to attract, recognize and sustain it when it does.” Basically, you’re working to put yourself in a headspace where, when a potential mate does present themselves, you’re actually ready to be in a relationship. This means figuring out what you want out of a relationship before you start dating someone. Is it someone who wants to travel the world? Is it someone whose values align perfectly with your own? Is it someone with whom you have absolutely electric sex? That sort of thing….

Day explains that relationships, in an abstract sense, often begin before you even meet the person who could end up being your partner. Contrary to the idea that the person who’s right for you will appear when you’re not looking, she advocates for preparing for a relationship before it happens. 

It’s slightly more actionable than manifestation—the act of bringing something into your life through attraction and belief—but the gist is similar: being proactive rather than reactive when it comes to finding your person. Here are three ways to date more intuitively.

1. Get to know yourself 

Day says that when you’re seeking out a new relationship, it’s important to ask yourself what you want to feel in a relationship. How do you want it to motivate you? Is laughter important? Are deep conversations? “When you are able to experience your lover in advance, not only will you recognize the person when they come along, they will have experienced you and know you too.” Additionally, as you’re getting to know yourself, take stock of how you talk to and treat yourself. It’s nearly impossible to be in a healthy, productive and caring relationship if you don’t properly care for yourself first.

2. Practice partnership

“Be a good partner—at work, in your family, with your friends and most especially with the person who has brought you this far: yourself,” Day urges, explaining that good partnering is contagious, and preparing yourself to be a good partner to a romantic interest will set you up for success once you actually find that person. This might mean putting an extra level of care and consideration into developing new platonic relationships. Or it might mean fostering deeper relationships with your closest friends and family—spending quality time together, practicing listening more than you talk, etc. At work, seek out collaborative opportunities as a way to get used to being accountable to someone other than yourself. If you’re not sure where your shortcomings lie as a partner, ask a close colleague, sister or friend to provide constructive feedback. Chances are, you can treat those around you even better.

3. Know what you want to offer

We spend a lot of time thinking about what we want in another person, but Day tells us that we often don’t spend that same time exploring who we want ourselves to be in a relationship. What do we want to offer? What do we want to be loved and appreciated for? “When you identify those things, you integrate them into your behavior…and you attract people who want what you have to offer.” It might feel a little bit weird, but in practice this could look like jotting down the qualities you like most about yourself (‘I’m a loyal friend and partner,’ ‘I’m an excellent listener,’ etc.) alongside the qualities you appreciate in others and would want to adapt as your own behavior. You can even have a frank conversation with a trusted friend about how accurately you’re thinking about yourself. After all, relationships are two sided, and it’s important to think about what each of you will bring to the other’s life.