What Is Sexting? Sex Therapists Tell Us How It’s Done (Even If It's Not Your Thing)

Sexting can be a fraught topic—because questions of privacy and consent are currently hot-button issues, and sexting mishaps can be at best embarrassing and at worst the end of your congressional career. But think for a moment that you're actually in a relationship with someone you trust—or met someone on the apps you want to get a bit spicy with via text—and you might want to sext with them. How best to have some fun? Here's our guide to best practices, dirty talk and pictures edition. 

• Kate Balestrieri is a Los Angeles-, Miami- and Chicago-based sex positive therapist who uses a synthesis of theoretical approaches, including psychodynamic, affect regulation, interpersonal neurobiological, attachment focused, cognitive behavioral, somatic and systemic principles to create a safe, inclusive space for people to get access to education about sensitive topics that people live with every day.
• Chris Donaghue is a therapist, lecturer and educator who is host of the re-launched nightly radio show LoveLine. He is the author of the books Rebel Love and Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture.
• Malia James is a video director who has worked with subjects including Halsey and Tove Lo. As a longtime creator of visually enticing images, James collaborated with Foria intimacy products in an Instagram Live teach-in about sexting.

Sexting is any digital texting/messaging that involves sexual innuendo or sexually explicit language, photos, memes or videos. Usually it is intended for flirting or validation seeking, says Balestrieri.

Sexting is common—according to one 2020 study, 48 percent of adults from 18 to 29 engaged in reciprocal sexting. More importantly, it seems to work as intended: A Drexel University study reported that 82 percent of respondents had sexted in the previous year, and researchers found that greater levels of sexting correlated to greater sexual satisfaction.

While the only way to be 100-percent certain your images and words won’t be leaked is to not send them in the first place, experts agree that if you are sexting, you need to establish clearly that you want your images destroyed or otherwise kept private. Here's how:

• First off, establish consent. Donaghue suggests being straightforward: “Just ask, ‘Are you down to sext?’ It’s that simple. Don’t make it any more complicated or dramatic than that. Just get their consent.”
• “Have a conversation with your sexting partner about what you will each do with each other’s images, whether it leads to happily ever after or happily never speak to each other again,” Balestrieri says.
• Additionally, remember that many states have so-called “revenge porn” laws with fines and jail time for material disseminated without consent.
• “Safer sexting practices include not showing your face or identifiable body parts,” Donaghue cautions.

“Sexting is used in all stages of courtship. It’s part of attracting, flirting, intimacy building and the maintenance of a sex life,” comments Donaghue. The therapist explains that for some it’s their total relationship to a person, "serving no purpose other than its sexual use one-time in the moment.” According to a Texas Tech study of 160 participants aged 18 to 69, three reasons for sexting emerged:

• As foreplay for sexual behaviors in the future
• To receive relationship reassurance from their partner
• As a favor, with the expectation the favor will be returned later in a non-sexual way (such as a dinner date)

“Consent is always key before getting frisky, but the language you choose can be part of the build up and play, in lieu of sounding like a doctor’s office consent form,” Balestrieri says. “Consider texting first, to make sure the person you want to sext is in the right frame of mind and space before initiating a sext. This is especially true if you don’t know them well. It’s probably good to avoid sending any intimate photos until you know they are alone, or at least not with their parents or at work.” Donaghue suggests being straightforward: “Just ask ‘Are you down to sext?’ It’s that simple. Don’t make it any more complicated or dramatic than that. Just get their consent.”

“Everyone’s sexuality and arousal template is different, so focus on what turns you on," says Donaghue. "The more you sext with someone, the more you will learn about what arouses them. You should also ask, as that’s part of sexting. But it’s not just for them, it’s for your pleasure too, so lead with what you find arousing to send.”

Balestrieri suggests these as starting lines:

• “I’ve been thinking about you all day…Wanna play?”
• “Want to know what I’ve been thinking about all day? Hint: (You + Me) – Clothes”
• “Want to see a picture of my new bra? ;)”
• “If my thoughts of you were naughty today, would you hold it against me?”
• “Hey. Saw your profile, and like what I see. Up for a game of show and tell later?”
• “You have had an effect on me… I like it. Want to see?”

James recommends experimenting with visual and written creativity:

• Send a snap from a sweaty workout or a bath. “Wet skin looks sexy,” James says. She suggests playing with a small mirror to find angles you like of yourself and to start by sending teasing images showing only a small section of skin. “And dim lighting is great, but women shouldn’t be afraid to show their bodies.” 
• James suggests developing your own “vocabulary around sex” before you are even begin sexting with someone.
• Try writing your own erotica to discover what gives you pleasure.
• Once you have started a sexting sesh, you can shift between audio, text and video in the same way that you might shift sex positions…in order to please yourself as well as your partner.
• Or, if you’re feeling shy, take the pressure off your own writing ability and reading erotica to each other. (Count that as a win for your inner bookworm.)

Here, communication is key, because sexting isn't everyone's cup of tea, and doesn't need to be. As one Reddit user explains: "I'm usually very open and love sex but it's something I do with my partner when we're both physically present and want it. When he's not there, I don't really think about sex and am 100 percent not in the mood. I'd prefer doing the dishes or reading a good book, so sending him a poem about his dick is not that high on my priority list." Lolz, noted. Whether you're not a fan of sexting ever, or just not in the mood in a certain instance, use honest, judgement-free communication to say what you're feeling or not feeling and why. From a simple "I'm tired tonight" to a more involved "I'm preoccupied by my work situation," your partner should understand.

• Do: Establish consent first
• Don't: Share any images or messages you don't feel comfortable sharing
• Do: Consider not sharing your face or identifiable body parts
• Do: Try a sexy line or two to gauge your partner's interest/avails
• Don't: Think this is just for new or long-distance relationships—it might be a new creative outlet for your SO to encourage you both to get the kids to sleep early