“I’m So Sick of Missionary—Is Mutual Masturbation the Wake Up Call We Need?”

"Missionary and the occasional role playing has worked for us before, but it seems too predictable. Is mutual masturbation for us? I'd like to know what else people do for variety, but I don't want to invite other people to join or BDSM."— Jennifer M., 54, Dallas

Ah, togetherness, the double-edged sword: On one hand, there’s opportunity for increased intimacy with your loved one but also the potential for well, same old, same old. But good news—an alternative to boredom is right within reach—masturbation. What’s surprising is that this activity usually makes us think of being alone, and according to experts, what’s happening just as much is that couples are masturbating together. Let's look a little more closely at mutual masturbation. Think of it as “you do you,” NSFW edition.

• Venus O'Hara is the host of the Orgasmic Lifestyle Podcast and multiple-platform content creator specializing in sexual health and wellness topics. She is the co-author of Love Me Like You Hate Me, a guide to BDSM and leads an online course on sex magick from her home in Barcelona.

• Julie Teffeteller is a relationship coach and Tiktok creator. She is the author of the At-Home Date Night Handbook and 365 Progressive Conversation Starters for Couples.

Mutual masturbation is self-stimulation done in the company of, or with participation of, a partner. Couples reveal what they do when they masturbate, but also they are discovering new pleasure while watching each other self-stimulate, with or without toys. According to a 2023 study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health, mutual masturbation was common among both genders, and recent mutual masturbation was positively associated with sexual satisfaction—especially for women.

According to O’Hara, there’s a predictable narrative to long-time couples sex: “Kiss, caress, undress, oral optional, penetration, male orgasm” she says. “then after male orgasm, it’s game over. It can become really boring if you are just focused on the penetration.” Basically, O’Hara explains mutual masturbation as re-imagining your sex life as not being strictly intercourse-oriented, and opening it up to other sensations such as teasing and relaxation.

Mutual masturbation is a great low-lift option that everyone, from not-so-kinky types to the been there-done that people, can get something out of. Experts at leading sex toy seller Lovehoney recommend experimenting with unique positions during mutual masturbation sessions, including the beginner-friendly "soft touch" in which you lie next to your partner and hold hands while each of you watches the other partner touch themself and the "peep show" in which a person sits on the edge of a bed and spreads their legs—with or without new lingerie on—and their partner watches from a short distance away...no touching allowed.