How to Say No to Your Mother-in-Law Without Starting World War III

You are a grown woman with a grown-up job who makes grown-up money and grown-up decisions. And yet, when it comes to facing down your mother-in-law, all of those boundaries you’ve been carefully constructing over the years crumble. Why is it so hard to say no to your husband’s mom? Clinical psychologist and author of You, Your Husband, and His Mother,  Dr. Tracy Dalgleish tells me that subtle misogyny and power dynamics are often the shared root of the cause: Many women have also been socialized to please, to smooth things over, and to care for others’ needs before their own. Add to that a subtle power dynamic—’mother knows best’ or ‘she knows her son best’—and it can feel daunting to say no.” So, how do we learn to say no like grown-up again without feeling the bad guy?  

“A boundary,” Dr. Dalgleish explains, “is what you are or are not willing to do and asks nothing of the other person. You can’t control her and you get to choose what you do next.”

So keep it simple. Don’t overexplain.  Remember: Clarity is kind. “We can’t make it.” 

That said, even with the kindest delivery, your mother-in-law may still see your “no” as disrespectful or ungrateful, concedes Dr. Dalgleish. So, acknowledge the importance of family and reassure your mother-in-law that this isn’t about shutting her out—it’s about what works best for your family this year, “We can’t make it this weekend, but let’s find another time to connect.”

You can’t control the outcome, but you can prepare for it. Here are a few other examples of holding your boundary while staying grounded:

• “We love our time together. This year, we’re focusing on creating our own traditions. I know this isn’t what you had hoped. Let’s plan for another time we can get together.”
  This sandwiches the boundary—we’re not joining you—with kind sentiment and intention to find other meaningful traditions together.
• “We know you love being Grandma. This is what works best for us this year. I understand you’re upset, and that makes sense.”
  This is like an open-faced sandwich. Serving Nana the sweet sentiment on top of a hearty slice of no-nonsense boundaries. 
• “We won’t be changing our minds this year. I know it’s hard to hear.”
  For the mother-in-law that really needs to just hear it plain and simple. 

“Notice how these examples validate feelings without apologizing or overexplaining,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “ You can recognize someone’s disappointment without taking responsibility for it. That’s what true boundary-setting looks like.”

Dr. Dalgleish likens boundaries to opening and closing your gate. “For instance, if your MIL brings more gifts after you’ve asked her not to, shows up with gluten-filled dishes despite your intolerance or comments (again) on why the baby isn’t wearing socks—imagine those moments hitting your gate and bouncing off.” 

And if she brings up a topic that feels uncomfortable or guilt disguised as concern, you can calmly say, “That’s not something I want to talk about,” to change the subject or simply step away. These small, quiet actions are how you keep your peace—and your power.