How to Set Boundaries as an Oldest Child

With age comes responsibility, hence the “caretaking” role that is so often assumed by the oldest child. When you’re in charge of siblings or even just frequently placed in the position of household leadership, it can create an internal pressure that extends to all areas of life. This is especially true for kids in larger families or those where there’s a big age gap between siblings, McMahon explains. Family dysfunction can also play a role, she says, but even in households where the parents are present and able to carry out their traditional caretaking responsibilities, it can be easy for the oldest child to put pressure on themselves to act like a “parent.”

This experience can be tough to shed—whether it means carrying the mental load in your marriage or organizing every extended family event from now until eternity.

To start, tune into your own limits. “Taking care of others and being the ‘responsible one’ can be rewarding—and reinforced as a positive by everyone else,” McMahon says. “But it becomes a problem when you overextend yourself past your own limitations.” The first step, she says, is to pay attention to how you feel. “If you’re beyond your capacity, notice how burnout shows up in your body,” she adds. Do you start to dread responding to someone’s requests? Do you get irritable? Exhausted? Question your own worth and abilities? Recognizing your reactions to everyday circumstances can help you start to chart where you need to draw the line.

There are more ways to practice boundary setting as you work to undo your oldest child inclinations:

• Ask yourself “Why?” When you’re about to take on more responsibility at that point of burnout, get curious about what is motivating you to do it anyway, McMahon explains. For example, are you afraid of someone getting mad at you? Afraid of losing other people’s approval? Could it be about a childhood pressure to “say yes no matter what?” Taking a deeper look at your own assumptions and what actually results could help you get a better grip when it comes to protecting your own needs.
• Actually set the boundaries. People-pleasers or caretakers do a much better job at saying what they will do instead of saying “no” to something, per McMahon. “That’s why it can be helpful to frame boundaries that same way,” she explains. In other words, consider your limits first, then articulate what you can do within them. Say, “I won’t be able to work overtime this week, but I can prioritize a few hours this weekend to get that task done. How does that sound?”
• Remove the guilt. “Identifying as the oldest and ‘responsible’ one can come with a lot of guilt when you set boundaries, even if they’re healthy,” according to McMahon. “Keep in mind that guilt is an emotion that’s appropriate when you do something wrong or against your own morals, but feeling guilty for saying no might require a gut check: Ask yourself, ‘Am I really doing something wrong? Or is it just uncomfortable?’”
• Make room for others to take a turn. Say this out loud: It’s an act of compassion to let other people take care of you. Anytime you feel like, “I have to be the one taking care of everything,” remember the benefits of letting other people—your kids, your spouse, your colleagues—take the lead for once. “You get a break, but you’re giving other people the opportunity to take control.”

Now let’s discuss how to communicate this to your siblings. First of all, you’ll need to be clear about delegating tasks (say, planning a family vacation) and addressing serious issues. (Your parents’ health needs? That's a shared challenge.) The more you can state the facts (“now isn’t a good time, but I’m available at X time”) and remove emotion (“I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what works best for me”), the greater the impact. Even if it takes time to try to redefine your role.

You can’t change your birth order, of course, but maintaining awareness of your boundaries is the best way to counter it. “It’s really about breaking free of one defined role so that you can allow yourself to rest, play, follow along and be cared for,” McMahon says.