Are You Dealing with Friendzone Blindness? How to Deter a Guy Who Really (Really) Doesn't Get It

When it comes to dating and relationships, I have an Achilles heel: I treat my friends—guys and girls—the same. If that doesn’t tell you that I’ve never been in a relationship before, well, now you know. And, recently, I found that this equality-for-all approach has gotten me into hot water when it became apparent that one such guy friend had a crush on me.

I was mortified, truly, but in hindsight cannot be surprised. We spend a lot of time together. We’ve probably crossed some emotional boundaries. The first time I realized he might like me, we were out to dinner with a friend. Someone said something funny. While descending into peels of laughter, our eyes met and he GRABBED MY THIGH. There are a million other places to grab on the body that are not my upper thigh, thankyouverymuch. Then, it happened again. And once more, all in the span of a two-hour dinner. Truthfully, if there had been any time to clamp down on the monkey business, it was then. But I was so shocked I said nothing. Didn’t even move. My brain was a frozen block of cells. My upbringing took over—I was raised to have a poker face and never betray my actual feelings. So I turned back to my root beer float, and that was that. Or so I thought.

Then came the subtle texts, trying to suss out my “type.” Insinuations of a crush continued to multiply as the months went on, until finally I couldn’t deny it. I had some triage to do, because as much as I love my friend, I don’t love him like that. First I offered to help him submit an application to a matchmaker. Then I told him I thought he’d be a great candidate for a social media dating series. I did everything I could possibly think of, including hinting at my “type,” which, in all honesty, he is not. (If you look like Timothée Chalamet when he was still in his French art soft-boi era, please call me.)

And still, he persisted. He has a serious case of friendzone blindness that I’ve been attempting to mitigate for months to no avail. So, what’s a girl to do? I left that to the professionals and chatted with California State University professor and sex educator Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn. Below, four ways to approach the situation. Good luck—I’m going to need it. 

If you’re seeing each other often (to me, that means once a week or more), pedal back to every other week or once a month. And if you’re really chatty over text (we can text every day), let more time elapse between messages. Dr. Tara says that if you and your friend aren’t *super* close, this can be an effective way to let things cool off between you. I’ve been trying to take this approach (haven’t texted or seen him in like a month), but TBD on whether or not it’s working.

If you’re close friends, the issue may need more intention and effort. (Bracing myself for this, honestly.)

“This conversation should start with an affirmation of how important this friendship is to you,” Dr. Tara says. “Then, you should voice your concerns and offer a suggestion for how you would like to move forward with this friendship.” Something like saying, "Hey, I've felt things have crossed the platonic boundary between us and I wanted to clarify where we stand. I really love being friends, and I'd like our relationship to stay that way."

If my anecdote reveals anything, it’s that my subtlety has not gotten me anywhere. So here’s where I (and maybe you) must face our aversion to confrontation and be direct: I want to keep things strictly platonic. But ultimately, Dr. Tara advises a proper dialogue, in which “the conversation ends with an agreement from both parties regarding expectations for behavior in a friendship.” Because sometimes, a person can’t take the hint even if you tell them you want to set them up with someone else.

The main reason I’m terrified of a blunt conversation is because I dread the possible repercussions. What if officially friendzoning him still leads to the outcome I was trying to avoid, which is the friendship breakup? That, sadly, isn’t in my control.

“We can only control our own actions, so it is really your responsibility to have a clear conversation about your expectations,” Dr. Tara says. “You can still have this conversation while communicating that you greatly value this friendship and don’t want to hurt their feelings. If they are a true friend, this type of conversation should not destroy the friendship.”

Things may be awkward at first—or for a while—but personally, I think it’s better to know where things stand. So, gals, roll up your sleeves and tell them to sit down. We need to draw lines in the sand.