The One Phrase Prince Harry Needs to Hear to Repair His Relationship with His Dad, According to a Family Therapist

Bari Berkowitz, LMFT, is a Santa Monica-based psychotherapist who has been practicing for 28 years. She specializes in family therapy and has extensive training in family systems, something that makes her particularly skilled at spotting patterns of behavior and how they relate to multi-generational families.

Family estrangement is trending, according to a 2022 study that coincidentally reveals that fathers are cut off from their children four times as often as mothers. Prince Harry’s rift with his dad has played out painfully and publicly over the years. And while we might never know what the conversation between him and King Charles looked like within the walls of Clarence House, Berkowitz says that in situations like this it is imperative for those like Harry to focus on a singular phrase: The goal here isn’t to fix, but to heal.

“The anxiety is going to be there, so in order to move forward in a productive way, both sides have to stay regulated vs. attacking as they reconnect,” she says. “But to truly repair the rupture, the focus needs to be on the feelings, not the individual failures.” In other words, the priority isn’t to just quickly patch things up and move forward. Instead, it’s about looking at the long-term. “This isn’t a case of, ‘We met! We’re OK now!’ The path forward often requires a series of mini dialogues where boundaries are set and expectations are managed. It’s a process.”

Her recommendation? “Keep things short and sweet and light and polite is what I say often with families as they dip their toe back in. The best way to approach a situation like this is baby steps.”

In the case of Harry and Charles, another interesting point Berkowitz makes centers on a surprising emotion: Grief. No, Harry’s disconnection from his father wasn’t the result of a death, but there was still a loss. “The feelings—which include anger, shock and disbelief that this happened, rejection, abandonment—are real, which is why it all comes back to how we talk about and process them. It’s easy for your nervous system to feel flooded, so doing what you can to stay regulated is key.” (Berkowitz recommends box breathing for anyone experiencing something similar.)

To be clear, Berkowitz wasn’t in the room for Harry and Charles’s royal reunion—and Buckingham Palace was clear that no further details will be released. Still, in her work counseling families navigating similar circumstances, she knows the effort required to navigate reconciliation. Bottom line: Healing takes time, she says.