A Dating Expert Says This Is the 1 Thing Not to Do After Being Ghosted

To put it simply, being ghosted sucks. Regardless of how long or serious the relationship was, being abruptly left (and left on read) by a romantic prospect is a major hit that makes you question loads of things about your time together and yourself as a partner. As unpleasant as the experience is, it does happen, so it’s important to know how to respond and rebound. I asked relationship expert Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, for her advice on what to do—and what not to do—after being ghosted.

Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, is a relationship expert at the dating app Hily. After leaving her full-time career in higher education, she went on to pursue a master’s in marriage and family therapy. She also holds a certificate in sex therapy from the University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program and has received clinical training in Prepare Enrich, the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy.

“Being ghosted can be a very painful experience,” Cohen tells me. “It’s important to check in with yourself and identify your needs.” She recommends taking time to connect with friends and loved ones who can help you process and heal, and being patient with yourself. “There’s no set time in which you need to ‘get over it,’” she tells me. “Allow yourself to feel the emotions and go at your own pace.”

What shouldn’t you do after being ghosted? According to Cohen, it’s important to avoid pushing for closure—no matter how tempting. “If you want to check in with your former date to get a better sense of what may have led to the end of the relationship, go ahead. However, reach out once to ask for clarification. If the person doesn’t respond, they’re not likely to, even with additional follow ups. Don’t chase the person.” She continues, “As difficult as it may feel, the silence may be all of the ‘closure’ you get. Repeatedly reaching out may only intensify the emotions and frustration for you.”

Instead of seeking answers from your ghoster, turn your focus inward, check in with yourself to examine and reflect on the relationship but try not to comb over every detail and solely focus on the past. Questions to ask yourself, Cohen tells me, include, “What about this relationship felt good? What didn’t? What might you be looking for in the future?”

Finally, she says, be sure not to ruminate on what you did wrong. “Assigning yourself blame won’t help and can only prolong the frustration.” Reflect, but resist the urge to brood.