Do You Criticize Your Spouse the Normal Amount or Way Too Much?

Marital confession time: I’m a nitpicker. I don’t want to be, but with so many moving parts (and so many opportunities for my husband’s improvement!), there are days where I worry…did I say the nice things, too?

That’s when I turn to Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman, the married coaches and psychologists behind Meet the Freemans and the co-authors of The Argument Hangover: Empowering Couples to Fight Smarter and Overcome Communication Pitfalls. They’re also particularly skilled at highlighting the nuances behind healthy and non-healthy communication.

So, I asked: When it comes to spousal correcting and criticizing, how do we know if we’re doing it too much?

Per the Freemans, there’s one notable tell: It’s about the ratio of criticism to kindness.

“Every comment you make to your spouse is either a deposit or a withdrawal from their ‘love account,’” Jocelyn explains. “If most of your communication focuses on feedback or correction, and not enough on appreciation, affection or admiration, your partner will start to feel more evaluated and less valued.” As a result, the intimacy you have with each other will begin to disintegrate.

Research from the Gottman Institute underscores this delicate balance. Dr. John Gottman calls it the 5:1 Ratio—for every negative interaction, a happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions. In other words, to see if you’re criticizing too much, look back at your most recent conversation with your spouse. How many things did you praise (or simply frame in a positive light) and how many things did you find fault with? If not 5:1, you may be too critical.

That said, it’s also worth examining the type of correction you’re giving. The Freemans maintain criticism targets character whereas feedback focuses on behavior. For example, “you’re so inconsiderate” is a character-dig while “when you ran late without calling, I felt unimportant” is a piece of feedback. Jocelyn clarifies: “One attacks identity, the other communicates impact. The difference is whether your words build a wall or open a door.”

And it’s worth noting that feedback is an essential part of every relationship. “A healthy marriage isn’t free of correction, it’s simply rooted in the assurance that both people are on the same team, even when discussing hard things,” Aaron explains. When feedback is coupled with regular doses of admiration and acknowledgment (five good doses for every bad!), it helps both sides feel more receptive to conversations.

One more note: According to Jocelyn and Aaron, the need to correct isn’t generally about your partner at all. “It’s about what’s happening inside you,” they explain. “Are you feeling disconnected, unseen or overwhelmed? Becoming aware of the deeper reason helps you communicate your needs instead of projecting frustration.”