Questions to ask each other: Do you feel I’m open and receptive to you? Do I really hear you out? Do you feel like we talk to each other about more than just logistics? Do we check in on each other enough?
Why it matters: Communication is often the first thing to go by the wayside as life’s stressors increase, Jocelyn explains. Depending on your partnership, it can also be a tough thing to discuss. “Perhaps one of you is less assertive or the other gets defensive,” Jocelyn says. “Avoidance can take root, but proactively discussing communication is an essential part of checking in.” Ultimately, the experts say, it’s about the habits, not the highlights. “Everyone always thinks ‘schedule a date night, we’re behind on our date nights,’ but communication is really about the daily moments and how couples interact with each other.” In other words, you want to be sure you’re connecting as human beings and not just to sort logistics.
2. Discuss Your Approach to Conflict
Questions to ask each other: How do you feel about how we resolve conflict? Do we repair quickly enough after a fight? Do we do a good job of de-escalating an argument? Are we modeling healthy conflict resolution in front of our kids? Are there ways we could prevent unnecessary conflicts?
Why it matters: Conflict is one of the most natural parts of a marriage. “You’re evolving and changing together,” Jocelyn states. “There are going to be some pain points.” But pausing to evaluate how you repair after a fight can do wonders for a healthy marriage. “The minor can quickly become the major and, oftentimes, the patterns are clear. The main point you want to assess is how you each handle conflict resolution and how you continue to prioritize talking things out that you disagree about.”
3. Assess Your Connection
Questions to ask each other: What makes you feel more connected to me? What would you like to do more of so that we strengthen our relationship? What are the things I do that you feel negatively impact our bond? How could we prioritize being more connected in our busy lives?
Why it matters: Intimacy—emotional and physical—counts for a lot. It’s also one of the easiest things to get lost as time marches on. “Without intentional effort, survival mode takes over and connection becomes one of the first things to get deprioritized,” Jocelyn explains. Surfacing these conversations can help shed light on where things stand, in a context that is also a safe space.”
