Hey Brides: If You Can’t Pay for Your Bridesmaids, You Shouldn’t Have a Bridal Party

I have never been asked to be in a bridal party, and truthfully, I am relieved. Weddings are my ideal parties: formal and, in my case, bordering on or actually black-tie, a lovely excuse to wear a gown from my questionably burgeoning collection (or a jumpsuit), and a place to dance, drink Champagne and eat cake. I don’t need the responsibilities of lacing a friend into her dress, babysitting the bouquet or maneuvering the train into the bathroom. I want to be responsibility-free to do as I please.

On the other hand, I have quite a few friends who have been in wedding parties, and it always seems to devolve into one sort of horror story or another. Every wedding season, they spend thousands of dollars buying bridesmaid dresses, having them tailored, having the tailor screw up, getting the dress re-tailored, traveling to bachelorette parties that are destination or just out of town for them, then traveling again for the wedding. One friend even told me she’s racked up credit card debt trying to cover all the expenses—and raising financial concerns with the bride is sometimes out of the question. So, as a public service to all wedding guests and party members out there, I’m going to say it.

Brides, if you can’t pay for your wedding party…maybe you shouldn’t have one.

Is having every detail of that vision executed to your wildest dreams really worth losing a friendship?

“Understand what you’re asking of your guests,” she says. “If it’s a lot (major travel, multiple pricey events), chip in where you can. It’ll make everything a lot smoother and happier. If you can’t do that, then at a minimum, it’s important to be upfront about the expected expenses and be able to invite those conversations in case people don’t feel comfortable or not able to make those purchases.”

Although talking about money can feel awkward, getting an idea of what your bridal party can accommodate can save serious headaches in the long run. I loved Alev’s idea of reaching out individually through, say, a Google Form, to figure out how much each person is able/willing to spend. That allows whoever’s organizing, be it the bride, maid of honor or other designated party, to plan well without surprises.

“Another thing that I’ve seen is sometimes one person feels uncomfortable and they take the risk; they raise their hand and say, ‘I’m really sorry, [I can’t pay for this]. Then other people will be like, ‘I'm so glad you said something.’”

All that said, maybe the bride isn't in a position to foot the entire bill, either, which is fine. My problem is when the all-or-nothing mentality puts the friends in a lurch or kills a friendship, which, I would argue, isn’t in the spirit of what a wedding is supposed to represent. So, brides, please be flexible—and if you don’t want to be, please pony up.