Which Real Housewife Are You, Based on Your Zodiac Sign?
As much as the stars and planets guide our inner lives 12 months a year, let’s be honest, so do the Housewives. So which artificially-coiffed table-thrower is your cosmic ruler? Find out with the definitive Real Housewives zodiac chart.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You’re a Carole Radziwill
You’re a humanitarian who fights for a cause (hey, condo boards are important, too). But while you can easily dedicate yourself to saving the world, you have a harder time committing to one person: You so want to be free and independent that even when your BF moves into your apartment, you refuse to call a spade a spade. (Guess what, Aquarius? “Shacking up” is still living together.) Be wary of the Avivas in your orbit who will always seek to bring down your good vibes. Oh, and even if you think you only have a few good summers left, there’s always time to reupholster that couch.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’re a Cynthia Bailey
You may not be an international supermodel, but just like this Atlanta housewife, you’re a hopeless romantic to your core. Still, this water sign should be careful of whirlpool affairs—ones that seem like they’re moving in some sort of direction but are, in reality, black holes. In other words: do not hold back from ditching the Peters in your life…and their money-sucking ideas. While your ruling planet, Neptune, helps you get along with everyone in the squad (yes, even on a girls’ trip), under the influence of the Kenyas in your life, you fall into Queen Martyr mode. Focus on the things that keep you, well, you, like being near the water…hopefully in the form of a fairy-tale lake house with no Peters in sight.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): You’re a Bethenny Frankel
Your guiding planet is Mars, which means, just like the Skinnygirl, you’re a warrior, ready for battle. That’s good when you’re kicking ass and taking names for the sake of growing your empire. But it can also come back to haunt you. Like, when you're locked up in la cage de Berkshires and your blood-thirsty inner-ram says things she can’t take back. (Wait, did you really just call the Countess a whore?) Have patience for the lovable Sonjas in your life who don’t share the same drive or organization as you, and pick your battles—there will always be people trying to take credit for your success, especially when Ramona is in retrograde.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’re a Kandi Burruss
Stable, strong and reliable, your guiding Earth sign makes you a tent pole holding up everyone around you. But as grueling as the Mama Joyces in your life may be, you would do anything—like build a house or two—to keep them happy and in your orbit. As a bull, you stand your ground and plant your heels, but your ruling planet Venus helps your creativity to soar. And because you stick with everything you start, you’re always reaping the royalties off all those ’90s R&B hits you wrote (metaphorically speaking, of course). That said, remember it’s OK to let go of the past, or even say “no” to a Bravo spin-off every once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’re an Erika Girardi/Erika Jayne
Some people say you’re as cold as ice; others think you’re as warm as a cozy fire. Well, that’s because you’re of two heads: one part Erika Girardi and one part Erika Jayne—though your twin sides rarely show up together at the same party. So how does this play out? Well, your escapist, over-sexed exhibitionist is always “patting the puss.” Meanwhile, your inner Mrs. Girardi is embarrassed when she realizes she’s not wearing any underwear. You’re all too aware of the obvious PK trolls lurking in your path, but your biggest enemy is your “selves.” If you’re suddenly triggered by something seemingly benign (a mention of your son, perchance?), take a deep breath before your dual-personality wiring short circuits, especially when Eileen is in Hong Kong.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You’re a Vicki Gunvalson
As thriving as your insurance company may be, business is not what fills your love tank. Instead, you’re all about family and companionship. You are fiercely steered by your emotions, sometimes to your detriment (and often if cameras are around), and since you’re guided by the Moon, your emotions may deepen and overwhelm all sense of reality. As a water sign, remember, it’s the boat—not Don on a boat—that brings you solace. But word to the wise: Don’t ever tell people you’re a Cancer if you’re not—people get really upset by that.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You’re a NeNe Leakes
No one puts NeNe in the corner. The Sherees and Kims in the world are fierce competitors, but you are Queen of the Jungle. The lion in you demands to be seen, heard and, yes Queen, feared. But if the limelight is on you—say, in a Broadway performance or guest-star TV spot—the beast is tamed. Be mindful of your own fire, which can lead you to make self-centered decisions that affect your deepest relationships. In other words, try to avoid getting divorced and remarried to the same man; it just takes time away from really honing in on that one-woman comedy show you’ve got inside you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’re a Heather Dubrow
Life is chaos, and you want to control it. In fact, if you could create your own, perfect universe down to every little detail, you would: in the form of a $7 million, 17,000-square-foot mansion. But some projects are too big even for you, Heather. Nobody wants to live for years in a rental, simply because she couldn’t decide where to put the Champagne elevator. While you do have the tendency to fall into that type-A caricature (especially when Kelly Dodd is in your orb of influence), try to lean into your ruling planet, Mercury, which makes you a great communicator, and let go of any condescending tendencies. Maybe down a couple glasses of Collette before you talk to your contractor next time.
Libra (September 23 – October 21): You’re a Kyle Richards
What would Beverly Hills be without the glue that holds it all together? In addition to keeping tabs on all your friends, you truly hold your family together, even after your own sister accused you of stealing her house. Your longing for peace probably means you’ll never really confront or mend the root of your sibling issues, but thank the stars you have Mauricio to sate those Venus desires. (Otherwise, you’d be running all around Los Angeles doing the splits more often than you already are.) Feeling out of whack? Fly your family to the Mediterranean for a private yacht trip: You’re at your best when trapped inside a small space with the people you love.
Scorpio (October 22 – November 21): You’re a TERESA GIUDICE
If we met you nine seasons ago, we would’ve been shocked to learn that you’re a water sign, not a fire sign. But that’s the beauty of you, Teresa. You’re simultaneously ruled by Pluto and Andy Cohen, the synergy of which brings along immense transformation and regeneration. Sure, it might take a decade and a stint in prison, but you have shed your hard skin—that doesn’t mean you’re not a tough Jersey broad; it just means we don’t see you flipping tables and yelling “prostitution whore!” in the near future. While old “Tre” might’ve had some lingering hatred and jealously, new “Tre” should focus on her passion for her heritage, canning tomatoes and writing recipe books.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): You’re a Sonja Morgan
You may be unusually comfortable sitting in a martini glass, but your innate wanderlust means you’re not staying put for long—after all, you have friends with yachts (most of them royalty!) all over the world. But when you are in one place for too long—say, an un-heated Upper East Side brownstone without working plumbing—you begin to unravel at the seams, and your wonderfully bubbly curiosity boils over into a series of promises you cannot deliver. With Jupiter as your ruling planet, the only bad bone in your body is the one that sets unrealistic expectations. Keep your focus on one thing, Sonja, and maybe keep the toaster oven in your own kitchen.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You’re a Lisa Vanderpump
A goddess driving Bentleys among mortals, you should be tickled pink to call yourself a Lisa. As a walking clinic in self-control, you are not one to be easily undone—even at the sight of your dear husband falling into a pool at his own birthday party, you remain as cool as a cucumber. But your sense of discipline, thanks to your ruling planet, Saturn (covered in rings, of course), also means you’ve built an emotional fortress around yourself. And the army guarding it is made up of Vanderpump Rules minions, Hanky and Panky, 3,000 Pomeranians and your snarky British humor. Yeah, we don’t see any Brandis successfully making it across the drawbridge to your heart any time soon.