When it comes to my style of parenting, I’m a firm believer that it’s possible to wear multiple hats. One day I am the queen of gentle parenting; the next, I can feel my more authoritative side bubbling up. (Hey, mom rage happens to the best of us.) But I recently came across a new approach coined by Dr. Becky Kennedy, renowned child psychologist and the author of Good Inside, that really hit home: It’s called “sturdy parenting” and it’s equal parts attainable and inspirational. It’s also the style that feels most in line with my parenting ideals. Here’s what you need to know.
What Is Sturdy Parenting?
Dr. Becky shared the crux of sturdy parenting in an Instagram post: “Prioritize connection and set boundaries to effectively change behavior,” she describes. In a nutshell, this approach can also be viewed as empathetic leadership with age-appropriate limits that are deployed at high impact moments.
For example, Dr. Becky recently shared a common experience for parents with Forbes: You’re at the grocery store and your kid is having a major tantrum. While you may be tempted to save yourself some embarrassment and just give in to the screaming demands for candy, the sturdy parenting move would be to pick him up and carry him out of the store. Per Dr. Becky, “I recognize that this will be awkward and I’m tired afterwards, but I feel like a pilot earning my wings in a turbulent storm. I’m not gentle, I’m not harsh, I’m sturdy.”
Sturdy parenting begins by validating your child’s feelings in a way that’s comforting and kind (another Dr. Becky insight I repeat to myself in high-pressure moments: “you’re a good kid having a hard time”), but verbalizing the boundary, then following through on it is critical. Think of it as a leadership approach that prioritizes building a strong relationship with your kid while feeling confident about the limits you’re setting.
It’s a Balance Between “Gentle” and “Authoritative”
Gentle parenting is often considered too permissive (it’s respectful, sure, but it’s often missing that consistent boundary-setting); authoritative or “punishment parenting,” as Dr. Becky calls it, is far too strict (“because I said so” offers no context or empathy). Sturdy parenting is almost a middle ground—the term drives home the necessity of connectivity and limits. But that’s the rub, according to Dr. Becky: If you don’t know how to set boundaries, parenting is much, much more challenging.
I love how she describes boundary-setting to Forbes: “Boundaries are what we tell our kids we will do. But we require the kid to do nothing.” So, for example, when my kid won’t turn off the TV after I’ve asked him to do exactly that. My role is not to continually badger him to press the power off button the remote. On the contrary, it’s up to me to assert that if he can’t turn the TV off on his own, I will take the remote and turn it off myself. (My communication is clear—if he can’t meet my expectation, the boundary is still enforced.)
Why Sturdy Parenting Is Appealing to Me (& Other Families)
In a recent reel, Dr. Becky offers a more grown-up situation that mirrors sturdy parenting: When you hit turbulence on an airplane. “The best pilots don’t avoid turbulence, they know what to do,” Dr. Becky shares. “They don’t open the cockpit door and let you fly the plane because they’re as nervous as you are. They’re willing to say, ‘Hey, it’s going to be bumpy everyone, buckle up. This might feel nerve-wracking for you. I know what I’m doing and I’m going to pilot us through this.’ As a passenger, if you have a pilot like that, you feel sturdier.”
As a mom of two, this is my new goal—to be the pilot. To project calmness and confidence in moments that might push me to the brink. But that’s what’s especially clutch about sturdy parenting as a style is that it isn’t a “fake it ‘til you make it” mindset, it requires an added element of trust in yourself. Yes, I do know that sugar before bedtime is a no-no and I’m not going to permit it; but I also know that I can validate my kid’s desire for it before following through. (“Ah, I love ice cream, too, but it doesn’t feel like a great choice right before bedtime on a school night. We’re not going to have it tonight, but we can plan another time to enjoy it.”)
Bottom line: Sturdy parenting feels like compassionate parenting at its finest. But it’s also an approach that champions a “you’ve got this” mantra for mom and I love that.
