How to Support a Deeply Feeling Kid, According to Parent-Whisperer Dr. Becky

It's the weekend and your schedule is jam-packed—Friday night movie night, Saturday morning soccer followed by a birthday party and then a Sunday afternoon playdate. But you're not stressed about driving your kid around the neighborhood or how you're going to find time to run errands—you’re worried about what kind of meltdown your kid is going to have when they don't get to pick the movie or they miss a goal or they don't want to share toys.

Have you ever suspected that your kid’s behavior is a little more, um, intense than other kids? Or have you ever felt frustrated that the parenting tactics you see on Instagram just don’t seem to work in your own home? If so, then you may have what child psychologist and author Dr. Becky Kennedy dubs a “deeply feeling kid.”

Simply put, these kids experience emotions more deeply than other children—and they react more intensely too. Which can make parenting them feel like quite the challenge. “I love these kids,” Dr. Becky tells me. “I have one of these kids, so trust me, I’ve lived through it.” (Same!) I consulted the millennial parenting expert and asked her how to spot these highly sensitive children… and what to do if you have one at home. Below, find everything you need to know about deeply feeling kids, including expert-backed strategies for parenting these children with confidence.

Meet the Experts:

• Dr. Becky Kennedy is a highly sought-after child psychologist and the author of Good Inside, a guide to common parenting challenges. Her work focuses on using mindfulness and emotion regulation, alongside her knowledge of internal family systems theory, to provide a thoughtful approach to raising children.
• Stacy Thiry is a licensed mental health counselor at Grow Therapy with over 10 years of experience helping individuals with a wide range of concerns including depression, personality disorders, relationship issues, anxiety and ADHD.

It's important to note that a deeply feeling kid (DFK) is not an official diagnosis or disorder. Instead, this is a term that Dr. Becky has come up with to describe a variation in temperament. DFKs feel and react more intensely or deeply than other kids. They can escalate quickly and have a harder time calming down from an upset. Additionally, these kids often don't respond well to classic parenting moves like "naming the feeling" or even going in for a hug; instead, a DFK will likely escalate when you attempt these types of interventions.

And while navigating these extreme mood swings can be challenging, Dr. Becky stresses that there is nothing wrong with DFKs—or with their parents. They simply need a different type of intervention, she says. But with the right support, DFKs often grow into highly empathetic, creative and emotionally intelligent individuals.

“These are kids who truly do have feelings that go from 0 to 60, and they seem like they tantrum more intensely, more often and for longer periods of time than other kids,” says Dr. Becky. “I think that’s so important to say for parents, that they are not making this up,” she adds.

You’ve read all the books and watched the TikToks. And yet, every time you try to “name the feeling” or do the thing that worked so well for your oldest kid, it backfires in your face and seems to make your child even more upset. Dr. Becky calls these “front door strategies” and, well, they don’t work on DFKs. “Front door strategies are when we approach [the kid] directly, we name someone’s feelings or we say, hey, I want to help you. It’s like we’re right at the front door. These kids, when you do any front door strategy, they slam the door in your face.” What these kids need, per Dr. Becky, are side door strategies (and you can find some of them below).

Does it ever feel like you have to tip toe around your kid, worried that saying the wrong thing or not giving them what they want will result in a huge meltdown that will totally derail the entire family's day? Yep, that's a DFK. Here's an example of what that might look like from Dr. Becky: “If you don't pick the movie they want to watch on family movie night, they will scream, cry and they will do that for three hours...they don't peter out.” But being scared of your kid's reaction isn't doing them—or anyone else—any favors. Keep reading for the expert's tips on how to navigate situations just like this.

The key to supporting your DFK, says Dr. Becky, is understanding where they’re coming from. “For deeply feeling kids, their vulnerability sits right next to their shame,” she tells us. “So when they feel vulnerable—meaning they trip and fall, they make a mistake, they didn't know something was expected to happen, they lose a board game—that’s a vulnerable feeling.” And because this vulnerability is so shameful to DFKs, they explode. “They almost experience their feelings as attackers on their body, which is why they respond with an attack.”

This means that in times of vulnerability, they tend to push parents away ("Go away! I hate you, it's your fault that I missed the soccer goal!"). But this is actually when they need parents the most, the expert says.

Here's the thing—when your kid has a mega reaction to something, the temptation is to try and help them in that moment. And when your DFK’s feelings escalate and they reject you, you may decide to respond by leaving the child alone (“fine, if you don’t want my help then I’ll just leave!”). But this, Dr. Becky says, confirms their worst fears—that they are really as bad as they think they are. Instead, the expert recommends sitting with them and letting them know that you are not afraid of their big emotions. So what does that look like?

Let’s say your kid bumps into a table and screams, “stupid table, I want to throw this table away!” While your instinct might be to sympathize with them and explain that it’s not the table’s fault, Dr. Becky recommends a much simpler approach. “You do basically nothing. You can't say anything in that situation, the shame is so high,” she says. Yep, you really just sit there and do nothing (hugging or physically comforting DFKs can often escalate their feelings), other than quietly tell yourself that you can handle this. “It’s important to be there, because your presence actually communicates to them: I’m going to keep you safe and I can stand you when you're like this, so you're not so bad after all.”

But that doesn’t mean that you don’t do anything at all to help your DFK. It's important to help your kid outside of those moments to build the skills they're missing. Then, when a moment like that happens again, they're more likely to be able to use a skill. More on that below...

Here's a strategy that’s effective for all kids, but particularly DFKs: model the behavior you want to see.

Let's say you're playing dolls with your DFK who often has a hard time being flexible or doing what another friend wants to do. You could say something like, "No! I don't want to play with dolls, I want to play restaurant!" Then you would take a deep breath and say, "Urgh, I'm sorry... I think I was trying to say that I really love playing restaurant with you. Can we figure out a way to do both?" This teaches your kid that big feelings aren't scary and are, in fact, manageable.

OK, that's all well and good when you're at home but what about when your kid does something rude or extreme with other people? The same concept applies. Imagine your DFK is at a playdate that suddenly takes a turn for the worse when the kids can't agree on what game to play. One wants to play soccer, the other prefers blocks—and then comes the classic line: "I'm not friends with you anymore!"

In this situation, Dr. Becky suggests stepping in with something like: “Oh, that probably didn't feel good. I think Aiden really wanted to play with the blocks instead of play soccer. Ugh, disappointing. I'm gonna say it for him in a different way.” You can then model how you would like your DFK to communicate differently when a tricky situation arises.

Of course, your DFK may still push back ('No mom, that's not what I meant, I don't like him as my friend!'), but as Dr. Becky explains: “What I'm doing is preserving the idea that my kid is a good kid by speaking to what was probably going on underneath. I'm also acknowledging that something doesn't feel good to someone else.”

Spoiler alert: Kids are always watching the grown-ups. "If your child sees you getting overwhelmed or losing patience, it sends the message that big emotions are too much to handle,” says therapist Stacy Thiry. “On the flip side, if you can model calmness, even when things are frustrating, you show them that it’s possible to feel deeply and stay grounded.”

So the next time that you’re stuck in traffic and you can feel your temperature rising, rather than snapping try saying something out loud like “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, but I’m going to take a deep breath and figure this out.” 

This way, your child (again) learns that big feelings are manageable. “Over time, they start to internalize those same techniques. You’re not just telling them to stay calm, you’re showing them how,” Thiry adds.

“Sometimes, a child’s big feelings just need a little space to settle,” says Thiry. “Teaching them to recognize when they’re feeling overwhelmed and take a mindful break can be incredibly effective. This could be stepping outside for some fresh air, doing some deep breathing, or curling up with a favorite book or blanket for a few minutes.”

The expert even suggests setting up a “calm corner” in your home, aka a cozy spot with soft pillows, fidget toys, or noise-canceling headphones. “When emotions get big, it becomes a place they can go to decompress without feeling like they’re being sent away. It’s about creating a sense of safety and control during emotional storms. Mindful breaks teach them that it's okay to pause and take care of their feelings before coming back to a situation.”

It's easy to get frustrated with these emotional kids, but that only increases their sense of shame (and the intensity of the meltdown). Instead, focus on the positives, suggests Thiry. “Too often, the world tells sensitive kids that they’re 'too much.' But their deep empathy, creativity, and ability to truly feel is a strength. Celebrate it. Tell them that their big heart is a gift, and remind them of the beautiful things that come with it.”

While naming the feeling in the moment isn't necessarily going to help your deeply feeling kid, it is important that they have the words to do so later. Per Thiry: “When children know the words to describe what they’re feeling, it takes away some of the power of the emotion. Instead of just feeling 'bad,' they can learn to recognize sadness, frustration, disappointment or loneliness. Helping them name their feelings makes them feel more manageable.”

“When big emotions happen, it’s an opportunity to practice problem-solving.” says Thiry. “Instead of rushing in to fix things, ask questions like, What do you think would help right now? or What worked last time you felt this way? Little by little, they start to understand that they have the tools to manage their own feelings.”

“Raising a deeply feeling child isn’t always easy, but it’s a profound opportunity to nurture empathy, kindness and emotional intelligence,” says Thiry. In other words, these kids have a lot of big feelings... and a lot of good to show the world too. The expert adds: “By giving them space to express their feelings, modeling emotional regulation, and encouraging resilience, you’re not just helping them survive their big emotions, you’re teaching them to thrive with them. And in a world that often lacks understanding and compassion, that is a true superpower."