In a marital argument, it’s easy to reach for absolutes. You always forget to put the lunchboxes in the dishwasher. You never remember to pick your towel up off the bathroom floor. Of course, word choice typically isn’t the thing you’re thinking about when there’s a sink full of dishes or car with no gas in it. But the problem with using words like “always” and “never” is that they lack clarity. I asked a couples therapist to explain.
About the Expert
Melissa Paul, LCSW, is a licensed therapist and the founder of MLP Therapy Group in Brooklyn, New York, which specializes in relationships and couples therapy. Specifically, she supports her clients through communication challenges, intimacy issues, parenthood transitions and the emotional patterns that lead couples to feel stuck. Her approach is relational and evidence-based with a goal of helping individuals and couples reconnect, strengthen trust and create meaningful, lasting change.
1. The Problem with ‘Always’ and ‘Never’
When you reach for words like ‘always’ and ‘never,’ your partner hears all the things they’re doing wrong in perpetuity, Paul explains. The result? Defensiveness instead of listening and an escalation of emotions. “As a couples therapist, I think a lot about the content of an argument—say, a focus on a poorly loaded dishwasher—versus the process of what we mean by that,” Paul says. “For example, when someone says, ‘You never empty the dishwasher the way I want’ what they actually mean is, ‘Hey, I’m overwhelmed right now and I need some help.’”
2. It’s Better to Focus on the Feeling
This is where “I” statements come in. “When you move toward the feeling space, this is when we can actually be heard,” Paul explains. “It’s the difference between ‘you never empty the dishwasher’ and ‘I feel really overwhelmed with all the tasks I have to deal with.’ The second statement encourages your partner to respond in a way that turns toward the other person versus against.”
Another way to look at it: Is it ever constructive to tell your spouse that they never do something right? Probably not. This is why focusing on the feeling—not the task—counts. “In a couple, we often find ourselves fighting over the same action—a dirty bathroom, the way the lunch gets packed—over and over again, but that’s hardly ever what we’re talking about,” Paul adds. In fact, words like always and never are really just a misidentification of what we’re actually feeling. In the moment, they’re employed as a release more than anything else. (“In a lot of ways, it’s similar to when people curse,” says Paul.)
3. A Better Practice
Consider what you’d say if you approached your partner an hour after you unloaded the dishwasher to talk through the same situation. It might be something like, “Hey, I was emptying the dishwasher and realized it’s continually stressing me out. Can we talk about why and how we can figure out a plan moving forward?”
Additionally, if emotions are taking over, find a way to pause. “Go wash your hands, put your hand on your heart, find something to fidget with—these are all tactile cues that that bring you back to your body and help you move through the feeling,” Paul says. “It’s about finding a way to take a breath.”
