The 1 Thing Marriage Experts Are Begging Couples to do During Fights

Let me be blunt: I’m in my 40s and still working out how to fight fair with my spouse. One of the most triggering skills that gets lost during a heated (but loving) discussion? Mindful listening. In other words, the act of listening without judgement, critique or interruption.

I’m not proud of it, but whenever my husband and I argue about something, I’m quite quick with my ability to mentally craft a retort, firing it off before he has the chance to tack a firm period onto his sentence. (“The reason I didn’t rinse the dishes in the dishwasher is because you never ever pick your wet towel up off the bathroom floor!”) This is a relationship no-no, of course.

Indeed, when we’re constantly thinking ahead and jumping in with a reply, we’ve lost the ability to remain present and actually hear the feedback we’re being given and learn from it.

Instead, marriage expert, psychologist and founder of the Gottman Institute Dr. John Gottman offers the perfect solve for what to do when you’re mid-quarrel: Bust out a pen and paper and take notes.

This isn’t a tactic that’s meant to seem theatrical—you’re not sarcastically pretending to value your spouse’s feedback. Instead, by using a notepad to write down your partner’s grievance (and your own reaction), you’ll reduce your impulse to react impulsively or get defensive, says Dr. Gottman. Better yet, it helps you remember exactly what was said and reflect that back to your spouse as proof you’re listening.

Here's how this might look in practice:

Spouse: “You never tell me until the last minute that you need me to pick up Jasper from afterschool. I feel like I constantly have to re-jigger my whole calendar! And then you yell at me for being late to get him!”

You: [Writes down “afterschool pickup, yelling, shared calendar?”]

You: “I hear what you’re saying about the last minute requests, and I’m sorry I sometimes yell. I guess I get frustrated that keeping track of the afterschool schedule falls to me, but it’s not fair to expect you to read my mind. I’d love to set up a shared Google calendar so we can both know the schedule, and also set up a recurring Sunday night meeting to quickly preview the week ahead and predict any trouble spots. How does that sound?”

Could this be the path to calmer martial fights? Well, at the very least, they’ll be a lot more clear.