Settle This: I Think My Husband Should Apologize to Our Daughter

Welcome to our new series, Settle This, where a therapist takes a look at the real fights our readers are having with their partners…and decides who is right. Got a fight you’d like you’d like to submit for scrutiny? Do so here!

“Our 3-year-old daughter and my husband regularly ‘roughhouse’ play together. Recently, she wound up accidentally hurting him (very minor), but it shocked my husband and he shouted at her. She became very upset (he has rarely ever raised his voice to our daughter) and I comforted her, which he thought meant I took her side. It was an accident and he overreacted, but I felt he owed her an apology for shouting at her. I told her she didn't deserve that reaction, which he felt was undermining him. Basically, I became mama bear! I want my daughter to know that adults will make mistakes, but they still need to apologize. He thinks we need to be a united front. Who is right?”

Lisa Brateman is a psychotherapist, relationship specialist, media commentator and author. Lisa earned her master’s degree from New York University and has written two books, What Are We Really Fighting About? How to Transform Conflicts into Conversations and The Courage to Walk Away: Move On after Infidelity by Mourning What You Lost, Identifying Your Relationship Needs, and Empowering Yourself for the Future. She has appeared on TV and in numerous print articles in places including The New York Times, The Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, CNN, Forbes, GQ, U.S. News & World Report, MSNBC, WSJ, Vogue, BBC, Harper's Bazaar, Money Watch, Rolling Stone, The Independent, New York Magazine, Cosmopolitan, PBS, New York Daily News, Brides Magazine and The New York Post.

“They’re both wrong!” says Brateman, who is quick to note that, in most arguments, there’s not one blameless party. “I mean, she’s more right than he is, but they’re both wrong because their focus is on each other rather than the child. He feels betrayed because she didn't support him. And she's running in to save the day and helicoptering without asking any questions.”

Brateman says the first step would have been to separate the daughter and the husband so he has time to cool down and Mom’s focus can be on comforting the kid. “I think everybody needs to take a breath.” Then, after the calm-down period, it’s time to come together as a couple to decide what the fight was really about. Was it actually about the roughhousing incident? (And if so, do they need guardrails around roughhousing?) Or was it about a power struggle within the marriage?

And that’s where Brateman thinks Mom was in the wrong: by being prescriptive rather than curious. “This is the time for her to ask, ‘What was that response about? What is going on here? And what do you think we can do about it?’ If she just starts by instructing him to apologize, he's going to get defensive. But if she tries to understand where he was coming from, then he will be more open to hearing suggestions on how they can work together to find a resolution for both now and in the future.”

In other words, our reader isn’t wrong that her spouse should apologize, but she’s not setting anybody up for success by immediately demanding it of him.

Brateman thinks both spouses should use this as an opportunity, first and foremost, to think about what’s best for the child. “Try saying, ‘We're grown-ups. But what is in the best interest of her at her current age?’ Then ask, ‘What do we want her to learn? What do we want to show her?’ It's OK when kids see us fighting, because fighting is normal. It's how we resolve it that matters most.”