New Parents Love to Argue About Who Slept More—But They’re Missing One Fundamental Question

New parents, I see you. As a second-time mom to a now 16-month-old, I honestly blocked the all-too-common marital squabble that afflicts parents of young children: the debate about which parent is the most sleep-deprived. (Hint: It’s mom. It’s always the mom.)

No, there isn’t math involved. No one is keeping formal sleep logs. It’s more anecdotal and something that hits in the form of a morning-after tabulation: “I am so tired,” the parent who logged the most sleep utters. “Oh, really? You’re tired?,” the parent who clocked much (much) less retorts.

But here’s the thing: This type of passive aggressive back-and-forth isn’t meant to be unkind. Instead, Melissa Paul, LCSW, a licensed couples therapist and the founder of MLP Therapy Group in Brooklyn, New York, says it ladders up to a more important question that needs to be addressed: Are you mad at each other or are you mad at the baby? It can be helpful to talk out.

After all, the baby is the person who caused you both to break your typical sleep routines. “No one wants to get mad at their child for waking them up, but we can displace our anger onto a partner who is sleeping soundly while we’re up in the middle of the night,” Paul explains.

In fact, the coping mechanism of displacement moves our feelings toward a safer target. “Your baby’s needs become your husband’s fault.” Recognizing where your next-day reaction is stemming from can help you shift from a place of anger toward acceptance that this is what your child needs from you right now. (It’s not forever, le sigh.)

There is an element of reading the room, of course. But sleep is a basic biological need and if we aren’t getting enough, it takes a toll on our ability to function—and be civil to each other (oops).

Yes, it’s irksome to hear someone who managed to get seven of their typical 8.5 hours of slumber lament the hardship. But just because it feels like a personal attack (you were up every hour on the hour consoling a teething baby, after all), the resentment is likely stemming from somewhere else, per Paul. (The loss of your own routine, how tired you truly are, how much you want your own sacrifice to be noticed, just to scratch the surface.)

After all, middle-of-the-night wakeups are grueling, especially when they’re cumulative. A better approach with your partner is to come up with a strategy that works for everyone before the night begins. “Maybe you alternate nights or one partner covers the first half of the night while the other takes the morning shift, so everyone gets at least one solid block of sleep,” Paul suggests. Heck, you could even spot each other for next-day naps. “Having clear expectations can help eliminate passive-aggressive tension and allow everyone to go into the evening—and morning after—with a sense of a plan rather than dread and annoyance.”

And if blaming the baby feels like saying the quiet part out loud, be kind to yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less. It’s more a way to articulate exactly where your frustration is coming from. Healthy marital communication goals, unlocked.