I Caught My 8-Year-Old Masturbating (the Wrong Way). Now What?

I have a 6-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter and there has never been a dull moment in my parenting journey thus far. The most recent surprise? Navigating my daughter’s, um, self-exploration. To be clear, it recently came to my attention that my daughter has been getting to know her genitals. This alone was not particularly shocking, since both my kids have been experimenting with things that tickle their nether regions on occasion since they were toddlers. It was uncomfortable for me then, too, but I was told that the behavior was perfectly normal and my only job was to make sure they understood not to do it at the supermarket. Mission accomplished.  

However, things got a little weird recently when my 8-year-old called me into the bathroom with a note of panic in her voice. Upon entering, I learned that she was having a stinging sensation when she peed and her vagina looked irritated. She also directed my attention to a small bruise on her pelvic bone. I told her to rinse her vagina with fresh water while I stood by and tried to ascertain the cause of the soreness.  

First question: “What’s with the bruise—did you bang yourself down there again on the arm of the couch when you were doing gymnastics?” (Living room gymnastics—the bane of my existence—is a frequent occurrence, and our sofa, which features a not so forgiving arm, is a favorite prop.) 

Reply: “No, not that I can remember.” 

Second question: “And the stinging and irritation—have you been wiping too rough?” 

Reply: “Maybe…” 

And then it occurred to me. Final question: “Honey, have you been touching yourself down there?” 

Bingo. 

My daughter proceeded to demonstrate to me how she calms herself down at bedtime, explaining that it helps her drift off and “just feels good.” I learned, to my horror, that she engages in a semi-violent motion—half punching, half rubbing—over the top of her underwear. After making sure that no one else had ever touched her inappropriately (“ew, no!” she said), I suggested that she explore her body with a gentler touch. Then, I called up a pediatrician for advice on what to do when you discover your kid is masturbating…and possibly doing it wrong. Here’s what I learned.

Meet the Expert

Dr. Jarret R. Patton is a pediatrician with over 21 years of experience and the award-winning author of the Whose Bad @$$ Kids Are Those? book series. Dr. Patton is also an educator, advocate and sought-after speaker who’s committed to transforming healthcare and empowering communities.  

Per the expert, self-exploration is normal in kids from the age of two until roughly the age of six, at which point the behavior typically extinguishes itself, but can sometimes linger quite a while longer. Regardless, it’s generally not a cause for concern unless there are other red flags present (more on that later) and should be understood by parents for what it is—something perfectly normal and non-sexual. “Typically as an adult, you think of these things in a sexual nature, but in children it's just learning more about themselves,” says Dr. Jarret, adding that “these exploratory things just feel good, even to the child, so they don’t see any harm.” And honestly, there isn’t any harm as long as your child understands the parameters of social acceptability and safety, which brings us to our next point… 

If you haven’t already, now is the time to talk about body parts and the rules of appropriate touching. Dr. Jarret says you should play it cool as a cuke—never shame your child for going through this normal and healthy developmental phase—but ensure that they understand that their genitals are not for anyone else to touch and that it’s perfectly fine to explore them, but only appropriate to do so in private.  

Before you dive into this conversation, it’s worth noting that the expert recommends always using the correct terminology when talking about body parts: “You don’t want to give the body parts some sort of cute nickname. It’s OK—best, in fact—to call it what it is.” In other words, call a penis a penis, and a vagina a vagina. Oh, and be sure to mention that they should treat their genitals with care, while you’re at it. Noted.  

So your kid is a little slap happy, so to speak, and has the habit of sticking his hands down his pants right next to you while you’re just trying to enjoy a (fiftieth) viewing of Encanto on family movie night. Provided you’ve already relayed the importance of only touching private parts in private, there’s no need to belabor the point or reprimand the child. A gentle reminder to the tune of “remember, only in private, bud” should do the trick. If it doesn’t, Dr. Jarret says that “diverting them or trying a different type of activity” is your best bet. (For my daughter, this might mean introducing a new soothing element to her sleep routine, like a meditation session or, well, anything else that doesn’t involve punching oneself in the crotch.) 

While self-exploration is a perfectly normal and healthy behavior for younger children, there are instances in which it might become cause for concern. Specifically, Dr. Jarret cautions parents to look out for abnormal behaviors, like self-exploration that can’t be diverted and occupies too much of a child’s time and attention, as well as advanced sexual behaviors, like the insertion of any objects into the genitals. Bottom line: It never hurts to talk to a pediatrician when you’re unsure of what’s normal and what isn’t—and if you have a funny feeling about your kid’s behavior, or simply need to be talked through the unbearable awkwardness, reach out to one right away.