How to Say No to Being Your Family’s Holiday ‘Cruise Director’

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! There'll be parties for hosting. Marshmallows for toasting. And caroling out in the snow—and you get to organize it all! Yeah, not this year, Satan! Wipe off that can-do smile and listen up. This year, it’s your turn to say no to wearing the default holiday cruise director hat. As Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, author, psychologist and relationship expert tells me, so many moms take on this role not because they choose it, but because it’s been modeled to them: “From a young age, women are often socialized to be kinkeepers—the ones who hold the family together through traditions, emotional and relational labor, and connection. Over time, this becomes familiar, even expected.” So the question becomes, how do we keep the family together but distribute the labor?

“Start by reflecting on what truly matters to you during the holidays,” says Dr. Dalgleish. What would make the “most wonderful time of the year” the most wonderful time of the year for you? Then, write out the tasks that you usually get piled on your plate and, the psychologist continues, “make an agreement with yourself that you’ll say no to the ones that don’t align with what is really important to you.” This will help you sort through taking on things that matter to you—maybe it’s decorating your home to Martha Stewart-level perfection—and delegating things that bring the vibe down for you—wrapping all those gifts? Give the kids a project and let go of how it all looks. 

If saying no feels uncomfortable, Dr. Dalgleish offers the 24-hour rule: “When someone asks for your help, simply say, ‘Let me think about that and get back to you tomorrow.’ This gives you space to pause before automatically saying yes. Remember, you don’t have to earn your worth through overdoing. You are already enough. And your children won’t remember the extra craft or baked goods. They’ll remember how present and connected you were with them.

Says Dr. Dalgleish, a simple and kind no can sound like:

• “That sounds great, but this year I don’t have the time to take that on.”
• “I love your enthusiasm for the holidays, but I won’t be able to help with this one.”

If direct nos feel hard at first, use that 24-hour pause:

• “What a great idea! Let me think about it and get back to you.”

Then follow up with, “I’ve looked at what I can give this year, and this one isn’t possible. Thank you for thinking of me.” It’s warm and clear. It also holds the both/and: I can protect my energy AND still honor our relationship.

Not every boundary has to be an electric fence. A “micro” boundary can create space for yourself to slow down and breathe without putting a stake in the ground. “A powerful micro boundary,” Dr. Dalgleish shares, “is remembering that your time—and your energy—are not infinite. This might mean leaving an event after two hours instead of waiting for the ‘right’ time to go, or deciding that this year, you’re not bringing the extra dish.” It’s also about setting self-boundaries: choosing what you’re willing to take on. These types of boundaries are often silent and unspoken, but you hold agency. Not opening the texts on Christmas morning, not taking on everyone else’s emotions, not letting others’ disappointment take over your day. They might be tiny resolutions, continues Dr. Dalgleish, “but they feed ultimate goal of boundaries: to get aligned with what matters to you and to show up with what you need, moment to moment. These small things add up over time.”