FAFO Parenting Is Trending, but What Do Experts Think?

The other morning, as I was heading out with my daughter, we went through our usual ritual: I presented her with weather-appropriate clothing options, and she—naturally—laughed in my face. I wanted her to wear socks and a jacket. She wanted to wear underwear and nothing else. In freezing temperatures.

I thought I had won the battle when I managed to wrestle her into pants and a long-sleeved shirt. But then, she upped the ante—now, the jacket, socks and shoes were out of the question. After a few rounds of arguing with a completely unreasonable toddler, I gave up, scooped her up, and strapped her into the stroller, shoeless.

We made it half a block before she suddenly discovered that, in fact, it was cold. Begrudgingly, she allowed me to put on her shoes. Sure, I got a few judgmental looks from passersby, but the victory was mine and it was sweet. Turns out, I had unintentionally mastered what social media calls FAFO parenting.

Standing for F*ck Around and Find Out Parenting, the idea behind this approach is that kids learn best by facing natural consequences of their actions, instead of parents constantly intervening. As with many modern parenting trends, it gained traction on social media (where else?), with supporters praising it as a much-needed counter to the rise of helicopter and gentle parenting—styles that, they argue, shield children from every obstacle and thus stunt their ability to learn from mistakes.

For example, let’s say your kid decides he doesn’t want any lunch (even though you made his favorite mac ‘n cheese). Fast forward 30 minutes later and he’s hungry. Sorry, the kitchen is closed! you say. Or instead of nagging your kid to study for her science test, you simply let her deal with the consequence of getting a bad grade. That’s FAFO parenting.

But is this approach actually effective, and when does it go too far? Let’s break it down.

There are some clear benefits to FAFO parenting, Stacy Thiry, a licensed mental health counselor at Grow Therapy, tells me. The most notable one being that it encourages problem-solving and independence. “When kids experience real-life consequences (within safe limits), they learn how to think critically and adjust their behavior,” says Thiry. “If they forget their homework, they face the consequence of explaining it to their teacher instead of relying on a last-minute parent rescue.” This approach also builds resilience and accountability, since kids get a real-life lesson in responsibility and self-awareness.

And there are clear benefits for parents too, namely reducing power struggles and preparing our kids for the real world. Take the situation with my toddler refusing to wear her shoes, for example. My kid is stubborn. Honestly, she could’ve argued with me about her choice of footwear (or lack thereof) for an hour. By practicing FAFO parenting and letting her feel the cold for herself, I ended the power struggle promptly, while doing what Thiry calls “shifting the learning from external rules to internal understanding—a powerful lesson.” Plus, allowing her to face this relatively low-stakes challenge now (she was cold for like, two seconds) gives her the opportunity to develop the skills she’ll need to face bigger challenges later.

First of all, gauge the stakes—not all instances are appropriate for the f*ck around and find out approach (more on that below). But if it seems like this could be a good learning moment for your kid, then all you really have to do is sit back and let it happen.

Just remember to balance the consequence with empathy. “Kids should know that their parents are still a source of love and support,” cautions Thiry. So even though it was immensely satisfying when my daughter decided to put her shoes on in the freezing cold, I didn’t use it as an opportunity to show her how mom is always right (“See? I told you!”). Instead, I said something like “Brrr… it’s cold! We need shoes when we go outside. Next time, let’s put them on before we leave the house.”  Remember, the goal here is to help your kid grow.

Having said that, there are times where FAFO parenting is best avoided. “Not all lessons are worth learning the hard way,” says Thiry. For example, any time their safety is at risk, parents should—and need to—step in (think: when a kid doesn’t want to hold your hand while crossing the street). And some kids, whether they’re too young or they have neurodivergent needs, may struggle to make the connections between the action and the consequence. In those instances, more structured guidance is the better approach.

Bottom line: When used appropriately, FAFO parenting can be a highly effective approach to teach independence, resilience and problem-solving skills. “Let kids experience manageable consequences, but always be there to guide, validate and help them process what they’ve learned,” advises Thiry.