When it comes to parenting, the terms helicopter, free range, peaceful and tiger are probably on your radar…but have you heard of lighthouse parenting? (Don’t worry, I hadn’t either.) If you’re still, well, in the dark, read on for a thorough description of what lighthouse parenting is, how it works in practice, and whether it might help you on your child-rearing journey.
Is Lighthouse Parenting the Answer to All Our Problems? (A Child Psychologist Weighs In)
How to be a light in the dark
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Published Feb 11, 2025
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Meet the Expert
Dr. Bethany Cook PsyD, MT-BC is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It’s Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a highly-sought after therapist and quoted media expert around the globe who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field.
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What is Lighthouse Parenting?
According to Dr. Cook, “lighthouse parenting is the middle ground between free range parents and helicopter parents,” adding that the concept was recently born out of the recognition that, “we need to give kids more space than helicopter parents do, but maybe not quite as much as the free range types.” Basically, like the name implies, it’s asking parents to be a guiding light, rather than doing everything for their kids.
What does this look like? Let’s say your child demands to stay up to watch the end of the football game. While the helicopter would swoop in to say, “No way, go to bed,” and the free-range would pass them the remote, the lighthouse mom is more inclined to ask guiding questions (“How do you think you’ll feel in the morning if you stay up until 10?”) and offer gentle solutions that allow for flexibility (“How about you stay up until I see you yawning? Then we’ll head to bed.”)
This isn’t exactly a mind-blowing concept. Indeed, Dr. Cook and I had a little laugh over the fact that, while the label is new, the parenting style has existed for ages and kind of just falls under the category of common sense.
Still, the lighthouse parenting label can be useful when it helps reinforce goals for folks who are naturally inclined to one or the other extreme—namely because lighthouse parenting is all about balance.
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The Benefits of Lighthouse Parenting
- Lighthouse parenting encourages autonomy
We can probably all agree that balance is a generally helpful thing in all areas of life. As a parenting modality, lighthouse parenting is particularly appealing because (if done correctly) it promotes the balance between independence and support, therefore “encouraging autonomy and self-reliance, while promoting healthy self-esteem and confidence,” says Dr. Cook.
- Lighthouse parenting helps balance both child and parent:
As a classic helicopter mom, I’ll admit it: I worry too much, control too much and hover too much. And guess what? My kids are typically either mirroring my anxiety and holding themselves back or outright defying the most sensible boundaries I set. I also have a friend who is definitely a free range parent…and I had to rescue her child from a precipitous fall off a cliff when we were on a hike. If both of the parents in question were able to station themselves somewhere in the middle, well, they’d be lighthouses…and that’s not a bad thing to be.
- Lighthouse parenting teaches communication skills:
The balanced approach to lighthouse parenting has the additional benefit of teaching kids how to communicate their needs, because the whole idea behind the method is to always be present and checking in with your child (i.e., shining your light) without swooping in when no intervention is necessary. Or, in the words of Dr. Cook, “lighthouse parenting is saying ‘I’m gonna be here for you always even if you don’t visibly see me all the time (think: the light rotates around so sometimes they will be in the dark). But if you need me before then, come find me. I’m here for you.’ And in this way, kids know that even if it’s ‘dark,’ you’ll be popping by at some point and they can wait, or get up and come find the light.”
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Are There Any Cons to Lighthouse Parenting?
As I think every parent probably knows, there are some cons to practically every parenting choice. Or is that just my mom-guilt-riddled brain chiming in?) In the case of lighthouse parenting, the expert says that it isn’t necessarily appropriate for every family—namely because its success depends largely on the temperament of both parent and child. It also requires a degree of consistency that most parents will find hard to achieve: “The thing is, when you're balancing something, you always have to put in a tremendous effort, and the second you stop putting in that effort, your parenting approach will become inconsistent. And for children, that is one of the most difficult things,” explains Dr. Cook.
In fact, inconsistency can be very confusing for kids, so if you don’t have the temperament for lighthouse parenting, Dr. Cook says you might be better off just sticking to what you’re currently doing, but with a consistent approach. In other words, if you’re ‘helicoptering’ one day and ‘hands-off’ the next, it might confuse your kid and could have a negative impact in the form of attachment issues.
That brings us to what Dr. Cook says is the biggest downside of lighthouse parenting: the ambiguity of boundaries. I hinted at this already, but Cook emphasized that lighthouse parenting requires A LOT of communication—namely because boundaries are inherently ambiguous and supposed to be flexible. So if your child is allowed to have dessert on weekends but not on week days (or on some weeknights, after doing their homework and exhibiting good manners), you’ll need to clearly explain these rules.
Bottom line: Know yourself, know your child and follow your instincts. No parenting method should be interpreted as dogma.
5 Tips for Lighthouse Parenting
- Connect before you correct: Resist the temptation to correct your child’s choices without first observing from a distance and checking in verbally to see what degree of help they actually want from you.
- Communicate boundaries clearly: Boundaries need to be set very clearly on a case-by-case basis, allowing you to keep the healthy distance that encourages independence and autonomy in the safest way possible.
- Be prepared to explain yourself: There’s no such thing as perfect consistency in lighthouse parenting. In fact, the only thing that should be perfectly consistent is communication. When your boundaries for one scenario differ from the boundaries you set in another, explain to your child exactly why that is.
- Understand that there’s a time and place for everything: There are situations in which the lighthouse parent ideal is, well, not ideal. For example, say your child is not on-task in the morning and you have two minutes to get out the door…but they won’t interrupt their current activity to get their shoes and coat on. This is probably not a moment for you to stand and observe or start a thoughtful conversation. Hang up your lighthouse hat, get the shoes on their feet and then have a conversation about why you did that on your walk to school.
- Let your child do their own learning when you aren’t present: Dr. Cook has a strict rule about sugar intake, but told me an anecdote about her kid going to a birthday party and binging on multiple cupcakes only to feel sick later. He no longer wants to overdo it with sugar, so her boundaries were reinforced by her child’s own real-world learning. You don’t need to rule with an iron fist, because you aren’t the only teacher in your child’s life.
Is Lighthouse Parenting Right For You?
Whether or not you want to try your hand at lighthouse parenting is a very personal decision and the success will depend on your ability to follow the above advice, as well as the individual circumstances of your family and the temperament of your child. I’m no expert, but I have found that the best parenting strategy is one that borrows ideas from all the different doctrines and, above all else, relies heavily on communication—whether what’s needed is an apology, an explanation or just a willingness to quietly listen. If you feel similarly on the communication front, lighthouse parenting may indeed be up your alley.
