Studies have shown that a steady rhythm of long-term intimacy is good for everyone involved. Regular, connected sex is good for a woman’s brain—boosting memory, easing stress and lighting up the neural pathways that make us feel seen, desired and alive god damnit! One ten-year study even highlights the importance of sex for mental health and relationship quality among older adults. In other words, for long-term partners, having sex is like taking your vitamins. But knowing that doesn’t mean our minds are always in the moment. Is sex always a mind-melting escape from reality or are you thinking about how low your boobs got since you stopped breastfeeding? To find out, we polled 142 women about what they actually think about during sex. Most were married (56%) or in relationships (15%), with a mix of single, widowed, and divorced women rounding out the group. Their answers? Let’s just say the female brain doesn’t exactly take a vacation between the sheets.
100 Women Dish on What They *Really* Think About During Sex
That damn laundry is always top of mind
The Bedroom Can’t Lock Out the Mental Load
Among the lusty mid-sex fantasies about former lovers and sexy scenarios (“Is that big dick going to hit the G-spot?” one woman wondered), one-third of respondents admitted to far less thrilling thoughts: work, finances, household tasks and meal planning. If this tells us anything, it’s that the mental load women carry runs deep and wide—and as much as we wish that were a sexual innuendo, it’s really just the size of your to-do list.
In Bed, But Not Exactly Here
About one in four women said that, at some point during sex, their thoughts drift to someone—or something—beyond the room. Sometimes it’s grounded in reality: an ex, a friend, a coworker, a “Sugar Dick Daddy.” Other times it’s pure fantasy: a celebrity, a fictional crush, or a completely made-up stranger.
Here’s the fascinating part: among women who cited mental load thoughts, 58 percent also reported fantasizing about people besides their partner (compared to 43 percent of non-mental-load-thinkers). Are women carrying more to-do’s also more likely to mentally slip out of the room? In this sense, fantasy is a coping mechanism when real life is an endless mountain of laundry.
Women Are Thinking About How They Look and WTF They’re Doing
Thirty-nine percent of women reported self-conscious thoughts during sex. “I really need to lose weight,” one respondent confessed. Another admitted she can’t fathom why her husband even desires her—mid coitus.
Several described worries over “wiggly bits” looking “too wiggly,” while others narrated the inner monologue of performance anxiety: “Where do I put my hands? Do I kiss there or there? What would he want next? This movement feels dumb—is it dumb?”
The Good News: We’re Still Connecting
Despite all that multitasking and self-critique, 69 percent of women said they’re thinking about their partner during sex. That’s huge! It means that for most women, beneath the noise, there’s still connection, intimacy and genuine desire (even if the dishwasher isn’t emptied).
Bottom Line
Our bodies might be in the moment, but our brains are still sprinting—skipping from the grocery list to that weird text from your sister to the phantom noise on the monitor. It’s not catastrophic, just proof the multitasking never stops, even when it really should. Maybe the fix is dismantling the patriarchy. Or maybe, as one respondent put it, it’s as simple as “light porn. Nothing hardcore.”
