I'm Straight, But the Comphet Theory on TikTok Still Made Me Question Everything

“Do I *actually* like men?”

Comphet universal
McKenzie Cordell for PureWow

When Emily walks into the dimly lit Brooklyn apartment, Sarah immediately notices her vintage jeans and messy bangs. She's used to seeing Emily at brunch or casual coffee meet-ups—not dressed up for a party. There's something distinctly captivating about how relaxed she seems, laughing easily as she navigates the crowded room. "Cute jeans," Sarah blurts out when Emily reaches her, cringing slightly at her own abruptness. Emily grins back, completely at ease: "Thanks, thrifted them at L-Train."

Her response causes Sarah’s chest to tighten. She sips her drink, unsettled by her own nervousness. I’ve always liked Emily, she rationalizes. Everyone likes Emily. But tonight feels different—like she's actually seeing her for the first time. Suddenly, all of her lukewarm dates with men and indifferent swipes through Hinge flash through her mind like a montage. A realization dawns, sharp as a bullet: Maybe she's been bored with men because she was never truly into them to begin with?

Little does Sarah know that her line of questioning is part of a much larger cultural awakening. Enter: "Comphet," a phenomenon blowing up on TikTok, igniting conversations about sexuality, identity and how societal expectations influence our deepest desires.

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Meet The Experts

  • Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, is an associate professor at California State University, Fullerton, specializing in sexual and interpersonal communication. She teaches courses on relational theory, sexual identity, and communication technologies—and received tenure at the age of 32. Her research blends qualitative and quantitative methods to explore how people form, express, and communicate identity in a digital world. With a background in both academic theory and real-world application, she offers a nuanced and affirming lens on how gender roles and societal pressure shape sexual identity.
  • Tim Lagman is a board-certified sexologist and the creator of the Sex Ed with Tim podcast. Based in Toronto, Tim began his career doing sex work, later earning his credentials through the American Board of Sexology and dedicating his practice to making conversations around sexuality more inclusive, educational, and—above all—relatable. He now leads workshops, panels, and digital education around LGBTQ+ sexual health and pleasure, and is especially focused on dismantling harmful sexual scripts. 

What Is Compulsory Heterosexuality (“Comphet”)?

In 1980, feminist writer Adrienne Rich coined the term “compulsory heterosexuality”—often shortened to “comphet”—in her landmark essay, Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence. At its core, comphet is exactly what it sounds like: The societal script that assumes everyone—especially women—must be attracted to men. It’s the quiet assumption baked into everything from sex ed classes to Disney Channel plotlines, shaping not just who we date, but who we believe we’re supposed to love. 

"Compulsory heterosexuality is a learned script," Tim Lagman tells me. "It conditions people, especially women, to assume they are straight—whether they genuinely are or not. It shapes our ideas of what desire should look like and who we should love." Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn further emphasizes this, calling it "a theory suggesting humans are pressured into heterosexuality through societal structures, even when it doesn't reflect their true feelings."

The concept exploded into Gen Z consciousness thanks to TikTok and the viral Am I a Lesbian? masterdoc—a comprehensive guide unpacking the nuances between genuine attraction and societal conditioning. Shared millions of times, the masterdoc lays out how comphet can feel like a trap door you didn't even realize you were standing on. It explains how women are taught to prioritize male approval from the moment they start existing in the world—through everything from promposals to magazine headlines promising "99 Ways to Keep Him Interested." As the doc says: “Women are taught from a very early age that making men happy is our job.”

Now, TikTok creators are taking it even further, spelling out the disconnect in plain language. As the creator in the viral video above outlines: "Finding a man attractive is not the same thing as being attracted to a man." She explains how comphet "brainwashes us to see straightness as a default setting," conditioning women to mistake any positive feelings toward men for romantic attraction, while simultaneously dismissing real feelings toward women as mere "girl crushes" or "experimentation." The double standard is glaring: Admiring a man’s looks? You must want him. But when applied to women, that same feeling of attraction is explained away—nothing more than friendship to read into to there.

To that end, this growing conversation points to deeper cracks in the way desire was taught—or more accurately, mis-taught. "Traditional sex education has failed young people repeatedly," says Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn​. "It’s contributed to more confusion and a lack of self-understanding," particularly around distinguishing authentic attraction from social performance. Lagman also agrees: "Traditional sex ed has taught women to perform desirability as a means to an end, confusing approval with attraction"​. In other words: many women learned to seek validation, instead of leaning into moments of desire that feel authentic.

For many, this isn’t just a cultural conversation about sexuality—it’s a reckoning with the fact that what felt right to them felt wrong for everyone else. From an early age, women are taught that being attracted to men is “normal,” and that feeling drawn to women is just a phase. And while TikTok didn’t create comphet, it gave millions of women something they never had growing up: the language to name it, and the space to finally say, I was never confused about my sexual identity. I was trying to fit into a world that made it impossible to know myself.

How Comphet Can Make It Difficult to Come Out

If understanding comphet feels like untying a lifelong knot, coming out after internalizing it can feel even harder. Many queer people spend years doubting or gaslighting themselves, questioning whether their feelings are real—or whether it’s simply their mind playing tricks on them. "Comphet creates deep self-doubt," explains Lagman. "Women often question, 'Am I genuinely into women, or am I just confused?' They might feel compelled to embrace queerness only after exhausting heterosexual possibilities, which can make their identity feel inauthentic."

The Am I a Lesbian? masterdoc echoes this further, noting that even lesbians who know they prefer women often feel their desires are “fake,” thanks to societal conditioning that ties a woman’s worth to her relationships with men​. And it’s not just about attraction—it’s about the undertone of female submission. "Women are socialized to comply," says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. "Being queer represents non-compliance, making it even harder for women to recognize and accept their true identities within this comphet framework."

More to the point: comphet doesn’t just confuse attraction—it erodes trust in your own instincts. It forces queer people, especially queer women, to second-guess what should feel innate. Instead of simply falling in love or feeling desire, you’re trained to interrogate it. You wonder if you’re imagining things. You wonder if you’re wrong. It’s not just about embracing who you love—it’s about unlearning a lifetime of being told you don’t know yourself.

4 Ways to Challenge Comphet

1. Name and Interrogate Comphet Scripts 

The first step? Start noticing the scripts you've internalized—then start questioning who benefits from them. "Identify beliefs you’ve internalized like, 'A good woman is married to a man and has kids,' or 'If he’s nice to me, I should like him back,'" says Lagman​. Then ask yourself: Where have I deviated from these scripts, and how did it feel? Were you happier when you weren’t performing? Did same-sex attraction feel more real—and scarier—than any scripted romance with a man?

Lagman emphasizes that unlearning comphet isn’t just about attraction. It's about untangling the subconscious belief that heterosexuality equals success—and that queerness equals failure. Naming these scripts is the first crack in their power.

2. Engage with Queer Media

Before you can recognize queerness in yourself, you have to see it lived out in the world. "Consume queer joy," advises Lagman​. He stresses the importance of seeking out shows, books, movies, podcasts, and creators that celebrate queer love without tragedy—like watching Heartstopper on Netflix, reading One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston, or following comedians like Sydnee Washington on TikTok. Exposure to joyful, complex queer lives rewrites the quiet, compulsory scripts many of us were handed without question.

Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn agrees: "Consuming and interacting with queer media helps normalize queerness, making it feel more familiar and accessible.” It's about building a new reference point—one where your desires are seen, affirmed, and possible.

3. Connect with Queer Communities

Familiarizing yourself with queer stories is powerful. But building real connections is what transforms self-perception into self-trust. "Speaking with others who've shared your experiences is vital," says Lagman​. Think: Joining LGBTQ+ groups, listening to people's coming-out journeys, or simply talking to others who once doubted themselves can be a catalyst for healing.

Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn also highlights the role of community in reshaping identity: "Joining queer groups or book clubs allows you to gain non-heteronormative perspectives—and it helps you feel confident in who you are.” Translation? It’s not just about witnessing success stories on the screen. It’s about active participation—building new relationships—that give you a space to lean into your identity.

4. Focus on Self-Acceptance

Ultimately, challenging comphet is an inside job. "Focus on self-acceptance and self-growth," Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn says​. She recommends practices like journaling, visualization meditation, and working with queer-affirming therapists or coaches to deepen your connection to your true desires. Lagman also echoes this sentiment: "Seek out queer-affirming therapists who can help you navigate those complex emotions.” Basically, it's not just about knowing who you’re attracted to. It's about trusting yourself enough to believe it’s real.

Summary: So, What Is Comphet (& How Does It Affect Me)?

While I’m not queer myself, I found something hauntingly familiar in the way comphet twists desire into duty. The themes of submission, self-doubt and silent compliance run deeper than just who we love. They touch something primal about womanhood itself: the pressure to mold into what the world expects of us. Because while comphet might be about rewriting the rules of sexuality, it also shines a light on a universal reckoning every woman faces sooner or later: Who am I outside of what I was told to be?

Maybe that's the real takeaway here. As women, we’re handed a script from the moment we can walk—how to look, who to love, what to want. But that script is rarely written with our happiness in mind. Instead, it’s cloaked as a set of rules that can keep us small, quiet and compliant. 

The good news? You get to write your own story—on your terms, in your voice, for the life you actually want.


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Associate Editor

  • Writes across all lifestyle verticals, including relationships and sex, home, finance, fashion and beauty
  • More than five years of experience in editorial, including podcast production and on-camera coverage
  • Holds a dual degree in communications and media law and policy from Indiana University, Bloomington