5 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Struggling with Depression (& 1 Phrase That Always Helps)

If someone in your life is struggling with depression, it can feel hard or overwhelming to figure out how to best support them. Sometimes, even the most well-intentioned phrases can do more harm than good. We spoke to a clinical psychiatrist to get some insight into why these go-to “positive” phrases can backfire—and the one thing you should be saying instead. 

Dr. Tamir Aldad, MD, MBA, is a board-certified clinical psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of major depressive disorder (MDD), anxiety, ADHD, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar disorder and adjustment disorders. Dr. Aldad is the founder and CEO of Mindful Care, the first-ever psychiatric urgent care in the U.S. with 15 locations across New York, New Jersey, Illinois, Florida and Connecticut. He’s also the author of the upcoming book Too Close for Comfort.

While this sounds—and is meant to be—loving, Dr. Aldad labels this as the single most damaging “harmless” phrase. Here’s why: “Clinically, it does three things at once: It reframes a neurobiological illness as an attitude problem, it implies the person is choosing ingratitude over wellness and it adds shame on top of the existing symptom burden,” explains Dr. Aldad. Depression already generates irrational guilt (“I have no right to feel this way.”), so this confirms that distorted belief, which directly undermines what a person is trying to be treated for. 

“They locate the problem in willpower or attitude, rather than in illness,” Dr. Aldad says. An important thing for someone struggling with depression is validation, and these types of phrases do the opposite—they normalize the feeling by minimizing it rather than validating it, making it appear like transient (aka temporary and situational) sadness. He says, “If the first response to someone’s vulnerability is a formula for self-correction, most people won’t volunteer how they’re really doing again.” And that is the exact reason why you need to be super cognizant of your phrasing. 

With this, not only are you denying someone’s pain, but you are also implying that they haven’t “earned” the right to feel bad. And that will lead them to conceal their feelings rather than disclose them. “Comparative suffering doesn’t reduce someone’s pain; it just adds a layer of guilt on top of it,” says Dr. Aldad. 

Dr. Aldad says this is a “textbook example of emotional invalidation,” which happens when someone’s real feelings are directly contradicted by a person they trust. Over time, that kind of repeated dismissal “doesn’t just sting in the moment; it teaches people to distrust their own emotional signals,” he explains, which makes them less likely to reach out when they actually need help. 

A person with depression doesn’t walk around all day, every day sulking. Depression doesn’t move in a straight line, meaning progress involves (usually many) ups, downs, plateaus or sudden shifts. Dr. Aldad says this comment “pushes people toward masking, since they learn that appearing ‘fine’ one day will be used as evidence against them the next time they’re struggling.”

Are you noticing a pattern? Every phrase above puts pressure on the person to feel or act differently. Instead, take that pressure away. Here’s what Dr. Aldad recommends saying: I’m here. You don’t have to explain or perform anything for me right now. 

“It offers presence without conditions, which is what depression’s isolating, self-critical quality most needs countered,” he explains. And this simple line communicates so much more to the person who’s receiving it. They hear unconditional availability, permission to be themselves without explanation and that their relationship with you doesn’t hinge on you “getting better.” 

The best part is that you can say this to anyone, whether a close friend, a partner or a coworker. Dr. Aldad says the core message—presence without conditions—stays the same, but the register and follow-through shift. Here it is broken down, plus the relationship-specific phrases Dr. Aldad suggests for each: 

• For a partner: You offer sustained support (think the mental load). “I’m not going anywhere, and I want to help carry the logistics—let’s figure out what needs doing this week.” 
• For a close friend: You offer consistency and low stakes. “I’m here, and I’m not going to disappear if you don’t respond right away.”
• For a coworker: You offer respectful boundaries. “I’m here if you want to talk, and if you need me to cover something or adjust a deadline, just say the word. No explanation needed.”

The people who say the wrong thing usually mean well. Now you know how to mean well and get it right.