My 11-Year-Old Got Her Period. Does That Mean She’s Horny Now, Too?

Shortly after my daughter’s 11th birthday, she phoned me from the bathroom of her dad’s house in a total panic. She got her first period and she didn’t know what to do. I rushed over and talked her through it…the pads, the cramps, the trying not to freak out at the sight of blood. And then she asked me: “Mom, does this mean I can get pregnant now?” My answer wasn’t the most eloquent: “Ummm…technically yes, but also, ew, no.”

Now if you’re the mom of a tween daughter, you probably already know that girls are getting their periods at a much younger age these days. But when it happens, does that actually spell the end of childhood? For a while, I didn’t give that pregnancy inquiry another thought. My daughter is still very much a child and not at all a sexual being. Fast forward to the day she came home from school so excited to tell me that her “crush” (i.e., a boy she can stand being in the presence of) said yes to going to the 5th grade dance with her. Very cute.

Then, she was struck by a jarring thought: “OMG, Mom! What if he kisses me?!” Highly unlikely, I thought, but that iconic My Girl scene—you know, the one where 11-year-old Vada kisses her best friend Thomas J. to see what it’s all about—did flash through my mind.

To be honest, I don’t think I would really care if that did happen. But then I started wondering: do the hormones of menstruation (and all the physical changes that come with it) actually lead to a developing sex drive? In fact, a whole constellation of rather unsettling questions sprung forth from this thought—so, naturally, I took them to a pro. Here’s what I asked and what I learned.

Dr. Nan Wise, PhD is a certified sex therapist, relationship specialist, neuroscience researcher, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. She has garnered international recognition for her research that addresses gaps in the literature regarding the neural basis of human sexuality.

Unsurprisingly, the answer to this question is rather complicated. The hormones responsible for menstruation and secondary sex characteristics in young girls are estrogens, which don’t have as much to do with sexual desire as androgens. Indeed, “the sex drive is primarily mediated by androgens, like testosterone for both sexes,” says Dr. Wise, adding that “the translation of the hormones into desire for sex in the brain is a much less direct route than one might think.” Females also have fewer androgen receptors in the brain than their male counterparts, which means that there are far more significant factors at play for girls when it comes to the development of libido.

In other words, my daughter’s estrogen is on the rise, but that definitely doesn’t mean she’s randy…but it doesn’t rule out the possibility of early sexual desire, either. “In these young kids, the hormones, especially in girls, are probably not so much a factor as all the environmental cues. Because when you develop, you're getting attention,” explains Dr. Wise. Indeed, the single biggest factor when it comes to the early development of sexual desire is psychosocial—and we see the sexualization of women everywhere. When young girls start developing, they start to pick up on those social cues simply because they have a greater awareness of their bodies.

With a more nuanced perspective behind the why and when of feeling “horny,” I asked the next logical question: “Uhhh, so what now?”

The answer, luckily, is pretty straightforward. If you want to help your daughters through this awkward phase of developing womanly attributes when they’re still very much children, try to minimize their exposure to mature content as much as you can and, perhaps most importantly, always be inquisitive.

For me, the first one is harder. Our TV time increasingly involves shows and movies with mature themes and raunchy humor. In fact, I told Dr. Wise that my daughter recently commented that one of the characters in a TV show was “hot.” The expert’s advice for me was to simply ask her what she meant, which I actually had thought to do at the time. My daughter was a little confused by the question, but replied with, “I don’t know…he’s just cute. He looks nice.” I learned later from Dr. Wise that this kind of basic attraction is something kids feel as early as four or five years old, and definitely doesn’t translate to wanting to get between the sheets with someone.

So basically, if you feel like me (i.e., powerless to avoid your child’s exposure to media with subtle sexual undertones and mildly anxious about your daughter’s maturing body), your best bet is just to ask a lot of questions…and by doing so you might realize that you’re the one being a weirdo. (Ouch.)