“My husband is emotionally reserved, and that’s always been the case. But as far as I know, he’s completely invested and, especially when we were first dating, wanted to be around me 24/7. Now, he’s dismissive whenever I ask his advice (especially with the kids), or he totally avoids confrontation when I need to talk about a problem. Whenever I try to explain that I’d like more feedback and intimacy, he says he doesn’t understand why I’m so needy, and at that at this point in our relationship, we shouldn’t have to talk about ‘stuff’ so much. What’s the disconnect here?”
You’ve heard the Paula Abdul song: Opposites attract, and this is never more true than with attachment styles. Your hubby is the “avoidant attacher,” you are the “anxious attacher” and your relationship is the archetypical “anxious-avoidant trap,” perfectly outlined in Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s Attached. (This book is one of countless amazing resources on attachment theory—which will blow your mind, help you figure out your husband’s needs and help you get your needs met.)
But what does this all mean? Well…
An avoidant attacher is someone who desires a lot of freedom, and often sees romantic relationships as a barrier to their own independence. Sounds like your guy, right?