Moms Are Mobilizing in the Group Chat. The Dads Are...Where?

In October, Chicago became the unofficial center of Trump’s “Operation Midway Blitz,” as anti-immigration raids by federal agents, masked and armed, became more and more brazen and regular in our communities. And as shocked as my sheltered self was at the uncalled-for use of force and belligerence of agents, I was even more astonished by how quickly the mom chats mobilized. 

There was one Friday in particular when things bubbled over; I was one of many Chicago Public School parents who received an urgent update from our children’s school informing us of ICE sightings. The first thing I did? Texted the moms. 

What are we doing?

The responses rolled in. The moms didn’t know exactly what to do, but as they’ve done for millennia, they gathered, planned and distributed information. By the time I was walking to pick up my daughter from school, block after block, corner after corner stood women with whistles keeping watch. As I approached the school, women were passing out information for emergency ICE protocol and remaining steadfastly calm. 

It was 3:30 pm and many dads were just learning about what was happening. I overheard one say to an organizer, “I just came home from work and my wife laid it all out! I ran over here!”  

I’m glad the man ran, but it begs the question: why aren’t the dads talking? When communities are under siege and bodies are needed, where’s the dad chat?

Since that first day of that all-hands-on-deck response, if you walk around Chicago neighborhoods around drop-off or pick-up or any other community event, adults of all genders are on ICE watch with whistles, whether on foot or bike or even just driving around keeping an eye out. And while I have no way of knowing who is a parent or not, I do know that in those first moments of crisis, it was the moms carrying the majority of the community’s emotional load. 

This shouldn’t come as a surprise. Mothers–including full-time working mothers—are almost always the primary coordinators when it comes to school communication. Though my husband receives emails from the school, he, like so many other heterosexual men I’m sure, relies on the default parent—me!—to sift through the paper pile while he focuses on work.

 A recent U.K. survey found that 82 percent of mothers had engaged in at least one school-related activity in the past six months, compared to 67 percent of fathers. Mothers were more also likely to attend parent-teacher meetings (77 percent vs. 59 percent of fathers). And while those numbers are not by any means dismal, that’s still putting a whole lot of pressure on moms—especially moms (like me!) who have full-time jobs. Writer Vandana Nagarkoti writes in her piece “Why Are Only Mothers Added to the School WhatsApp Group?”: “We’ve updated the way we talk about parenting, but not the way we organize it. If a dad shows up at school, he gets praise. If a mom shows up, it’s just expected. That quiet imbalance shows up in places like WhatsApp groups…”

In a family, moms are the many-handed emotional labor goddesses in the center, making phone calls, packing lunches, forwarding newsletters, wiping tears. But doing all the work for the entire community? It’s time for the dad chat. So go off, John—send that first meme.