I’m an avid fan of Dr. Aliza Pressman’s parenting podcast, The 5 Principles of Raising Good Humans, and a recent episode stopped me in my tracks.
Pressman was speaking with neuroscientist Dr. Richard Davidson, founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, and he shared a reassuring idea: Flourishing is contagious.
By flourishing, he means taking responsibility for our own brains, such that they move in healthy directions rather than becoming hijacked by external forces like phones, news or people around us. In other words, well-being isn’t something you’re born with, it’s a skill you develop. He argues that specific mental exercises are the gateway to such flourishing and, even better, it’s contagious from person to person and specifically parent to child. As we cultivate these skills ourselves, the people around us being to reflect them.
For parents, this is welcome news. After all, we spend so much time worrying about the crappy qualities we might pass down to our kids—anxiety, stress, overwhelm. And we’re right to clock this. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, one of the most notable features of anxiety disorders (which happen to be the most common group of disorders) is that they run in the family thanks to anxious parents who model anxious behavior. In other words, generational trauma and negativity is the product of environment.
But Dr. Davidson, who studies cutting-edge neuroscience and ancient contemplative wisdom, makes the case that the very same neuroplasticity can also re-wire the brain. We can teach ourselves to flourish and we can show our kids how we do this.
Dr. Pressman sums this up succinctly on her Substack: “One of the most powerful things we can do for our children is not what we do to them or for them, it’s who we are around them.” (Kids are especially receptive to this kind of modeling around birth, between the ages 5 and 7 and then again in adolescence, says Davidson.)
So how do we ensure we’re showing up as the person we want to be in the presence of our kids? Davidson says it starts with intentionally practicing the four building blocks of human flourishing.
The first is awareness—our ability to be fully present and engaged with our kids. He also highlights meta-awareness, or the ability to notice what your own mind is doing. (Has your child ever spent 10 minutes recounting every detail of recess only for you to realize you retained almost none of it? The moment you catch yourself drifting is meta-awareness kicking in.) The goal isn’t to stay perfectly focused all the time, it’s to pay attention to those moments when your mind has wandered and gently bring it back.
The second is connection, or how we relate to others and our sense of belonging. Do we prioritize and demonstrate gratitude, kindness, compassion, appreciation, and love? This can look like asking your partner how their day was, thanking the cashier or holding the door for someone carrying something heavy. These everyday moments support emotional well-being while teaching empathy and compassion.
The third skill is insight. This one is slightly more abstract, but it’s the idea that we all carry stories about who we are and what we’re capable of. “We know that there are some people who have very negative beliefs about themselves,” Dr. Davidson says, noting that kids pick up on such low self-esteem. As parents, we can help our children build more accurate stories about themselves by teaching them to recognize that emotions and reactions are temporary experiences, not fixed truths about who they are. For example, instead of saying, “I always get angry before school,” try, “I’ve noticed I tend to get impatient when I feel rushed.” That small shift helps children see that emotions and reactions are patterns to notice, not fixed parts of their identity.
Finally, there’s purpose. This isn’t about discovering some grand life mission. It’s about knowing your values and considering how the ordinary moments of everyday life reflect the kind of person you hope to be. Our role here is to help our children recognize that their actions matter. If you volunteer to clean up the local park, what’s the impact? Does your job somehow help individuals or your community? Make sure your kids know that!
The point isn’t to turn these four traits into another parenting checklist. It’s simply to turn your attention inward rather than always trying to improve outcomes for your children. Kids just have to be in your orbit to benefit.
