The Key to Surviving Family Holidays? Cesar Millan Says to Try the Dog Pack Mentality

Celebrated dog whisperer Cesar Millan has taught me a lot about both canine and human nature, from how to soothe dog grief crises to ways to step up my own leadership abilities. During a handful of interviews, the charismatic TV star and dog tech entrepreneur (he reps the Halo collar dog training device) has left me and readers with helpful insights. But I was surprised when he offered tips for one of my most fraught human interactions, the holiday family dinner. Make it easier by acting like a dog, he suggested; specifically, use key tenets of the dog pack mentality in family interactions. “I think pack mentality brings the formula of agreement, commitment and follow-through,” Millan explains, imagining Thanksgiving dinner as a dog park visit.

Here’s the tea on how a few simple behavior mods can turn tense table time into something more resembling a fun romp, according to Cesar Millan.

“First of all, we are about to be in a group, and so it's very important that we as a group agree with the event’s beginning, middle and end, and then we commit to it, and then we follow through,” he told me, as we discussed putting a time limit on family get-togethers. This works for me: A set time limit takes the pressure off the hostess (and frankly, guests like me, having to be on my best behavior and not bring up argument-starters like politics, money and family gossip).

Current events are a big trigger for me, a woman who tries (but regularly fails) to see both sides of an issue. However, this isn’t the point of a family gathering, Millan told me, gently suggesting that “the spirit of cooperation has to be present; that’s what makes us a pack-oriented species, the spirit of cooperation.” He laughed: “Otherwise, if you don't want to do it, just go be by yourself.” Point taken, Millan. I think of how, in a dog park, I once saw a gentle collie watch the arrival of a dysregulated German shepherd. The shepherd was snapping at and humping other dogs. Lady collie just cruised the periphery—she wasn’t leaving, but she wasn’t going out of her way to stir some dust up with a hothead attack dog.

“Your energy is going to dictate your experience,” Millan says. So check in with yourself, breathe and be “calm confident” (as he terms the happiest dogs) before you arrive, so that you can introduce and reinforce positive energy at the event. I’ve noticed, when I take a happy-go-lucky pet to the park, he’s met with gentle barks and sniffs from other pets. But when my fearful dog goes to the dog park, he’s often chased by other dogs or otherwise bullied. That’s not to say my pooch (or myself) is to blame when the mood turns dark, but that both four- and two-legged creatures in a pack can deflect negativity by sending out “just here for the smiles and cornbread stuffing” lighthearted well-wishes.

Even a pack of two—that would be a pet owner and her dog—needs to practice social situations and outdoor expeditions together to have a relaxed and easy time together. It’s the same thing with humans and family dinners—the more you practice showing up, knowing where to sit, what to say, what is considered good manners, then the more second nature that behavior will be going forward. Don’t expect to attend a family reunion out of the blue and feel completely relaxed, but practice socializing with an extended group of friends or colleagues before stressful family situations. And remember to use your tools and training, Millan suggests—in the same way that he says his Halo collar’s vibrations are there to remind pets of their boundaries, I use my phone to text and/or call a friend to check in and cheer me on when I’m in the middle of a long and emotionally freighted family holiday dinner.

Because while I’m happy to visit my family, aka dog pack, I need a lifeline to remember that I can look forward to going to the home I made for myself (and my own little pack members).