Have you ever pretended to like something because it was popular or high-brow or cool? I certainly have, but I’m done pretending. Join me in the light of truth and, once and for all, admit that Friends isn’t that good.
An Incomplete List of Things Everyone Says They Love but I Would Bet My Life They Secretly Don’t
In terms of flavor, you could drink a La Croix, or you could walk by a grapefruit trapped in a lock box.
The venn diagram of people who list this as their favorite book and people who don’t understand what mansplaining is is simply a circle.
Show me a person who truly, in their heart, prefers dark chocolate to milk, and I’ll show you a liar (or Dick Cheney?).
New Year’s Eve
You know what every regular night out is missing? Sky-high expectations that will never be met, a $300 faux fur lost forever to a sketchy coat check and, inevitably, snow.
Like the taste of grass? Love the smell of burning money? Oh, then of course you’d love these.
New Yorker Cartoons
Worst case scenario it’ll go over your head. Best case scenario you’ll smirk faintly and half-heartedly mutter clever.
So you’re saying I have to taste varietals I already know I don’t like, get a half sip of the ones I do like, pretend to appreciate the nuances of tannins and continuously hear the word "mouthfeel?" Cool cool.
Deep Tissue Massages
Don’t worry, after the intense pain during the massage, you just have to deal with massive bruises covering your entire body…including your butt (because they always go ham on your butt).
Concerts. All Concerts.
Have you ever wanted to be disappointed by a singer whose work means a lot to you while standing on your feet for two and a half hours and spending $17 for a warm beer? Unless it’s Beyoncé Gisele Knowles Carter, save the Ticketmaster fees and listen on your Sonos.
Stop. Trying. To. Be. Pizza. Crust.
Unless you were an art history major, looking at art is 90 percent gauging how long is socially acceptable to stand in front of a piece before moving on to the next and 10 percent wondering if you could fool people with your own Jackson Pollock.
Celebrating Your Own Birthday
Nothing like confronting your own mortality while corralling disparate friend groups to a bar where you’ll end up a little drunk, a little sad or—probably—both.
Don’t @ me.