As the Only Tired Person at the Office, I Am Contractually Obligated to Tell You How Tired I Am
To: All Employees
Good morning all!
Apologies for adding to your A.M. inbox traffic, but as we all know, “transparency is key” (Employee Handbook 2018 ©), which is why I feel contractually obligated to inform everyone on this listserv that I am tired with a capital “T”.
Yes, I’m aware that “face-to-face conversation is a tentpole of communication” (Employee Handbook 2018 ©), but I figured a mass email would be far more efficient than pulling aside all 158 of you individually to inform you that I am tired. (As a “team player” I would be more than happy to do so, but, honestly, considering how tired I am, I’m not sure it’s the best use of my ATP.)
Now, as I am only one person, and one tired person at that, I hope to communicate a few things, en masse, before the work day begins:
If you do happen to catch me walking around the office, please approach me gingerly for I will be carrying a cartoonishly heavy, liter-sized mug of coffee. Although, I gotta ask, ummmm, did someone replace the regular beans with decaf because, uh, I can barely gather the strength to lift my eyelids more than halfway open—which is also why if you see me bumping into cubicles or glass office panes, please gently push me in the right direction so I can sit at my desk and yawn continuously for seven and half hours before dipping out at 4:59 p.m.
If you ask me how I am, I will probably respond, “I am so tired.” Please, pretty please, don’t mistake my candor here with me asking you if you are tired because I am not asking if you are tired. And, honestly, I don’t want to hear that you’re “so tired, too!” because there is absolutely not even the slightest possibility that you are even in driving distance to my current depths of sleep deprivation.
As we all know, “Honesty is the best—and only—policy” (Employee Handbook 2018 ©), which is why I am so adamant on cutting down on lies so patently false as others claiming to be tired when last I checked, they were not me, the only truly tired person in this office. Oh, you’re tired, too? Did you also wake up this morning with your head submerged in a small mountain of JELL-O JIGGLERS® cradled in a Czech glass bowl on your coffee table, both of which you have no idea how they came to be in your home?
Then, yeah, you’re not even in the same league of tired as I am.
Did you struggle to open your eyes this morning like a newborn chick hatching from its egg prison with remnants of dried, grape star JELL-O JIGGLERS® gluing your eyelids shut?
That’s probably because I’m hitting homers and batting cleanup in the game of tired while you’re just warming up the bench.
Truth be told, to even imply at this juncture that I am even marginally awake as I write this email would be a crime against reality, for I am but a zombie among us, forever stuck in this hellish purgatory between slumber and consciousness. This is not a life I would wish upon even my worst enemies in sales.
Alas, it is my duty as a “team player” to inform you why I might be slow to respond to your emails, smell of vomit and produce less-than-adequate creative solutions to complex problems (my job).
TLDR: I’m hungover, but “arriving to work drunk is grounds for termination” (Employee Handbook 2018 ©) so please just let me moan under my desk for the day.
P.S. Does anyone have Advil?