25 Signs You’re a Geriatric Millennial (Besides Your DOB)

Millennials can’t seem to catch a break. If we’re not parting our hair wrong or being cheugy, then we’re spending too much money on avocado toast or making mega relationship mistakes. On the bright side, at least we’re all in it together. Or maybe not. Apparently we can no longer chalk up these cardinal sins to an entire generation; instead this cohort of pet-doting, Crocs-doubting and gym-devoted people has been divided into micro-generations. Were you born between 1980 and 1985? Congrats, you are a geriatric millennial.

It’s unclear exactly where the term “geriatric millennial” originated, but its recent surge in popularity comes from an article titled, “Why the Hybrid Workforce of the Future Depends on the ‘Geriatric Millennial” written by Erica Dhawan for Medium. In the piece, Dhawan argues that older millennials are best suited to lead hybrid workforces, as they are the only generation with a comprehensive understanding of both digital and analog worlds. 

“Geriatric millennials can read the subtext of an SMS just as well as they can pick up on a client’s hesitation in their facial expressions during an in-person meeting,” Dhawan writes. “They are neither ignorant of technology nor so engrossed in it that a voicemail inspires fear.”

More good news: Dhawan notes that some of the world’s most successful CEO’s are geriatric millennials, including Reddit’s Alexis Ohanian, Airbnb’s Brian Chesky and Rent the Runway’s Jennifer Fleiss.

But if you’re still not convinced that you fit into the geriatric millennial demographic—date of birth be damned—then allow this list of tell-tale signs below to convince you. (And if it makes you feel any better, there’s a push to replace the term with “seasoned millennial.”)

1. You had a hotmail, yahoo or AOL email address. (And it was ez2luv29@hotmail.com)

2. You feel equally comfortable making a dinner reservation using Rezy as you do calling up the restaurant and speaking to an actual human being.

3. You made mix tapes (usually featuring Boys II Men and Mariah Carey).

4. Your biggest goal in life was to one day travel to New York City so you could stand outside of MTV’s TRL with Carson Daily.

5. Not only do you know which Hogwarts house you belong to, but it’s included in your Twitter bio.

6. You know what the “save” icon on your computer is referring to. (Hint: It’s a floppy disc and you definitely used one.)

7. The sound of white noise followed by three little “ding-ding-dings” known as dial-up internet makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

8. But then you remember how annoying it was when your mom was on the phone so you couldn’t use the internet.

9. Listerine strips. That is all.

10. You kind of still miss your Motrola Razr...

11. ...Which was a serious upgrade from your beeper. (Aka the original text.)

12. You appreciate how easy it is to roll down the window of your car these days (all that cranking was a real arm workout).

13. You’re still mad about that one time you were 98 percent through downloading a song on Napster and then your mom picked up the phone.

14. Friday night meant one of two things—watching TGIF or spending hours at Blockbuster trying to decide what movie to rent.

15. Yes, you take your phone with you pretty much everywhere but at least you place it facing downwards when you’re at a restaurant.

16. Your most frequently used emoji is the crying laughing emoji. (Just don’t text it to a Gen Z person.)

17. You appreciate a hand-written note (guess all those years of penning letters to your best pal at summer camp really paid off).

18. You are eternally grateful that social media wasn’t around when you were a teenager, lest the entire world know about your JTT obsession or your attempts to dance to BSB.

19. You get TikTok...but are confused about Twitch.

20. When you haven’t connected with your friend for a while, you give them a call.

21. Forget Fortnight—playing Snake on your Nokia was the ultimate thrill.

22. You wished that Zach Morris and Lisa Turtle were your friends, and that the Walshes were your family.

23. You don’t have a voicemail on your phone anymore but can still remember the many hours you and your roommate spent crafting the perfect message on your college dorm room phone.

24. You will stop wearing skinny jeans when they peel them from your cold, dead body.

25. You're super annoyed at your friend who sent this article to you (um, you were hoping it was a Zillow link to a house you can't afford).