It’s the emotional paradox that keeps on giving. Contrary to in-your-face aggressive anger, passive-aggressive anger is delivered indirectly. See, passive-aggressive people don’t necessarily want to avoid conflict, but they also don’t want to blow up or lose their cool. As Engel writes, this anger style could be manifested through “silent treatment, withdrawing affection and attention, gossiping, tattling and refusing to cooperate.” All of these methods are affective but still clandestine. It’s almost like incognito anger—it’s definitely there, you can feel its presence, but you can’t always see it. In a way, passive-aggressive anger is a lot like gaslighting. You’re doing one thing, but saying another, destabilizing your target. It may seem harmless, but as Dr. Andrea Brandt, a marriage and family therapist, writes for Greater Good Magazine, “Unfortunately, it makes it much harder to reach resolution and closure, because the anger is always simmering, never rising to the surface to be confronted.”
Example: After a day that just wiped you out, you come home and make dinner for the family. But after eating all the food you cooked up, the kids and your partner leave the table without helping to clean up anything. You are furious that they would leave all this work for your, so you start the process while muttering, “I can’t believe this.” From the TV room, your kids ask, “What can’t you believe, Mom?” And you respond, “Nothing,” and go on to hide all the leftovers your kids and partner discussed packing for lunch the next day.
Experiencing passive-aggressive anger? Just because it’s passive doesn’t mean it’s harmless—to you or your relationships. If you’re bottling anger up and dressing it up as something else, try doing the opposite: Address the elephant in the room. And not over text, which for passive aggressors can be a minefield. (A study from Brigham Young University found that women in relationships who try to work out their differences or apologize via text message tended to report higher levels of unhappiness.) Instead, try "I" statements. These are expressions that begin with "I feel..." that will help you get the ball rolling. It’s also probably a good idea to address it with a mental health expert who can help you channel your anger into something positive.