Sick of Reading Your Horoscope? Try Your Sorrow-Scope Instead

If you've ever found traditional horoscopes to be too woo-woo, cloyingly optimistic or plain old dumb, we have a Twitter account you need to follow: Sorrow-scopes.

The account, which has been around since August 2016 and has more than 80,000 followers, tweets "horoscopes" that are negative and vaguely apocalyptic—in a really funny way. Instead of telling you to spread your wings and take chances, it will tell you to stay inside and accept that everything is terrible. 

According to Mashable, the account's creator, who uses the pseudonym Viktor Winetrout, started Sorrow-scopes after finding that he liked making astrology jokes on his personal account. "Early on, our scopes tended to be strange and macabre, but we quickly discovered that our followers really liked the scopes that insulted them," he said. "Now we try to do a mixture of dark stuff and ridicule."

Will we ever stop compulsively checking our horoscopes? Absolutely not, but we will be checking our Sorrow-scope from now on, if only for a good—if very dark—laugh. 

Here are a few of our personal favorites. 

"Aries: What’s the use? I mean really."

"Cancer: God hasn't forsaken you, He just doesn't really like your company."

"Virgo: Like a Christmas fruitcake, your whole is much more revolting than the sum of your parts."

"Gemini: You will find a way to turn this catastrophe into a catastro-me."

"Cancer: Today’s a good day to exorcise your demons. Wipe the slate clean and make a whole new bunch of terrible life choices."

sarah stiefvater

Wellness Director

Sarah Stiefvater is PureWow's Wellness Director. She's been at PureWow for ten years, and in that time has written and edited stories across all categories, but currently focuses...