Whether you’re on your 100th or your 1st, we can all agree: Life is hard. So for those times when the world is laying siege on your chi—perhaps you misplaced an AirPod or a college friend you haven’t spoken to in three years just asked you to be a bridesmaid—we created some highly potent guided meditations to get you through these universally shared rough patches. Try them out. (But only if they fit into where you are on your current journey, of course.)
Guided Meditations for Life’s Everyday Atrocities
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Published Jul 2, 2019
When The Coffee Shop Is Out Of Oat Milk And You Have To Settle For Almond
Breathe in. It could be worse; it could be cow's milk. *Shudder* Breathe out. Breathe in. You’ll have to deal with that weird curdling thing almond milk does, but you’ll be fine. Breathe out. Breathe in. Remember that no one even knew oat milk existed until a year ago. Breathe out.
When The Front-desk Person At Soulcycle Says, “have A Good Class,” And You Say, “you Too!”
Breathe in. It could be worse. Remember all those times restaurant servers have said, “Enjoy your meal,” and you’ve said, “You too!” Breathe out. Breathe in. Yeah, that’s definitely worse. Breathe out. Breathe in. Besides, you spotted Jake Gyllenhaal in this very class last week, and he’s probably done the same thing. Breathe out.
When The Guy You Went On An Awful Tinder Date With Pops Up On Bumble And You Accidentally Swipe Right
Breathe in. It’s not so bad. Your timing might’ve been off the last time. Breathe out. Breathe in. Maybe you’re misremembering how awful the date was. Maybe you should give it another try. Breathe out. Breathe in. Well, he did call his ex before the meal came. And then he asked you to pay because he’s, “figuring some financial things out right now.” And his picture did look like Chris Hemsworth, but IRL he was more of an Art Garfunkel. Breathe out. Breathe in. OK, delete your account before he can see you matched. Breathe out.
When You're Not Sure If Offering Your Subway Seat To An Older Woman Is Kind Or Insulting
Breathe in. What’s the worst that could happen? Breathe out. Breathe in. Well, she could call you an ungrateful little millennial who will never own a house because of your avocado toast habit. Breathe out. Breathe in. Have you made eye contact yet? Breathe out. Breathe in. No? OK, pretend to be super engrossed in a text message. Look distraught. A single tear running down your cheek won’t hurt. Breathe out.
When You’re The Only Person In Your Book Club Who Didn’t Like The Book Everyone Else Is Obsessed With
Breathe in. It’s not that Sally Rooney isn’t talented, you just preferred Conversations with Friends. Breathe out.
When An Ad For Anthropologie Pops Up On Your Instagram Five Minutes After You Complimented Your Friend’s Dress And She Said, “thanks, It’s From Anthropologie”
Breathe in. Computers are watching and listening to us at all times and there’s literally nothing you can do about it except live-off the-grid, and that would mean having to miss how this season of The Bachelorette plays out, so whatever. Breathe out.
