‘The Bachelor’ Premiere Had Everything: Windmill Jokes, Hannah Brown & an Emotional Support Cow

The episode opens on a montage of scenes featuring Weber walking through an airplane hangar, flying a plane and wearing aviator glasses à la Maverick from Top Gun. Although he was heartbroken after Hannah Brown’s season, the pilot is ready to find his forever partner…on national television.

Unlike past seasons, ABC doesn’t show an elongated intro of Weber showering, working out or taking off his shirt. Instead, the network opts for a segment of the star getting ready. Classy.

Right on cue, Weber arrives at The Bachelor mansion just in time for the first limo to arrive. To no surprise, the women pull out all the stops.

Alayah (24): Family is important to her, so her grandma wrote Weber a letter.

Sydney (24): She assures him that “not every girl from ‘Bama makes bad decisions.”

Hannah Ann (23): Is there room for another Hannah? Only time will tell.

Sarah (24): She actually seems genuine, which is rare.

Lauren (26): Her motto is “If it scares you, do it.” *Cue the bungee jumping date*

Victoria P. (27): She makes him “happy dance the scaries away.”

Mykenna (22): She checks him out (literally) to see what she’s working with.

Maurissa (23): She promises to “dance like nobody’s watching.”

Kelsey (28): She believes Brown made a mistake. Duh.

Eunice (23): She wears a pair of angel wings and thinks she has a leg up because she’s a flight attendant.

Jade (26): She’s a flight attendant.

Megan (26): She’s also a flight attendant.

Madison (23): She shows up in a massive “paper” airplane.

Tammy (24): She brings a handheld security wand (because you can never be too careful).

Shiann (27): She gives Weber a barf bag for “nauseating conversations.” Clever.

Courtney (26): She hires a crew to taxi her in…on a bike.

Kiarra (23): She says she made it to her “final destination.”

Lexi (26): She arrives in a vintage red car. (Why not?)

Deandra (23): She wears a windmill costume and says, “Are you ready for round five?”

Payton (23): She also makes a windmill joke.

Jasmine (26): She’s the only contestant to speak another language (so far).

Kylie (27): She brings a pack of condoms. No, really.

Katrina (28): She makes an inappropriate cat joke. *Eye roll*

Victoria F. (25): She’s too nervous to remember her line.

Jenna (22): She brings an “emotional support cow” named Ashley P.

Savannah (27): She blindfolds Weber and then kisses him. Savage.

Kelley (27): She met Weber in a hotel lobby before the show started filming, and the women are pissed.

Alexa (27): She “waxes vaginas for a living.”

Avonlea (27): She says her name sounds just like “heavenly.”

Natasha (31): She gets captivated by his eyes.

When another limo arrives, the contestants are beside themselves, since 30 women is, well, a lot of people. In a not-so-surprising twist of events, Brown steps out of the final car.

“Is that legal?!” one contestant yells from inside the mansion.

After an unnecessary lead-up, Brown explains that she wanted to return the “wings” that Weber gave her on night one of The Bachelorette, so he can officially find his co-pilot. *Wipes tear*

When Weber heads inside, he immediately dives into conversations. It isn’t long before Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose, which sets everyone on edge. It all starts when Hannah Ann sits down with the Bachelor. After opening up about her family life, she gives him a canvas portrait of the Smoky Mountains that she painted with her dad.

Just then, Weber goes in for the kiss. But Hannah Ann isn’t the only one who gets a smooch on night one. In fact, Weber may dethrone Arie Luyendyk Jr. as “The Kissing Bandit” if he keeps it up.

Things get even more interesting when the women get mad at Hannah Ann for chatting with Weber more than once. When Hannah Ann interrupts for a third time, Shiann sits her down and tries to be confrontational. But it doesn’t work, as explained by Hannah Ann’s blank stare.

Elsewhere, Victoria F. becomes the first crier of the season after her conversation with Weber. She says she had “such high expectations,” which translated to approximately 30 seconds of alone time with him.

Shortly after, Weber gives the First Impression Rose to Hannah Ann. *Cue the evil glares*

At the rose ceremony, Weber hands out flowers to everyone but Eunice, Jenna, Jade, Maurissa, Avonlea and Katrina.

For the first group date of the season, Weber invites Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine and Victoria F. to a pilot training center. The goal? To see who’s equipped to be his co-pilot. Clever, indeed.

It’s important to point out that the date is no walk in the park. The contestants undergo a “test” that involves several sections, including mathematics, aviation terminology and motion sickness. The last part makes Victoria P. open up about her “traumatic” experience on a teacup ride, which resulted in severe nausea. To no surprise, the motion simulator makes her barf.

However, there’s no sympathy rose for Victoria P. after her lost lunch. Kelley wins the final challenge and scores a solo plane ride with Weber. Later that night, he gives the rose to Kelley, putting an instant target on her back. 

At the mansion, another date card arrives, and it’s addressed to—drumroll, please—Madison. Weber brings her to his parents’ house in Westlake, California, for an impromptu vow renewal. (For his parents, not Weber and Madison.) Hey, at least she can cross “meet the in-laws” off her to-do list.

Later that night, they sit down for dinner and gush over their feelings for each other. Not only do they share the same beliefs, but they also look up to their parents, who both have strong marriages.

“I think you’re incredible,” Madison says before Weber gives her the rose.

For the last group date, Weber takes Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah and Savannah to an auditorium for a competition-style date. The catch? Brown is hosting the group date, and it causes a whole lot of drama.

“The Beast is back, b****es,” Brown says. To which one contestant responds, “Why are you here?”

The former Bachelorette challenges the group to share a personal sex story in front of a live studio audience. While Weber breaks off with the contestants, Brown gets emotional about her ex-boyfriend in behind-the-scenes footage.

In a conversation with producers, Brown admits that she doesn’t know where her head’s at. “I know I care for him,” she says. “I know I loved him, but I know sometimes it doesn’t work.”

Right on cue, Weber walks in to find Brown crying. She opens up about her feelings, saying, “I’m really happy for you. It’s just a lot.”

Brown goes on to say that she “questions a lot” of her decisions on The Bachelorette, which prompts Weber to propose an offer: She can join the show as a contestant.

“Maybe?” Brown hesitantly responds.

She explains that Jed was comfortable, which is why she chose him. Weber reveals that he was willing to give Brown another chance after the show, but he never heard from her…and vice versa. 

“I don’t know what to do right now,” Weber says. “I’m so confused.”

Just then, “To be continued…”

Is Weber ready to move on? Or will he send Brown packing? Guess we’ll have to wait until The Bachelor returns next Monday, January 13, at 8 p.m. on ABC.