Scan this QR Code to follow PureWow on Snapchat!
PureWow

Love ’em or groan at ’em, dad jokes are a part of life. Celebrate your special men with these hilario­us (and true) Father’s Day quotes that show that even Ryan Reynolds, Stephen Colbert and Matt Damon are all trying to figure it out too. Jot one down in a card, team it with a set of new cuff links/golf balls/grill tools and send it to dad, grandpa or your husband. You can also save one of these funnies for June 20, and post on your Insta or Facebook instead. (Just make sure dad knows how to work those.)

Related: The 77 Best Gifts for Dads That He’ll Actually Use (And Won’t Abandon in the Garage)

father s day quotes 1

1. “Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

Related Videos

chris martin fathers day quote

2. “Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” – Chris Martin

father s day quotes 2

3. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” — Tim Russert

father s day quotes 4

4. “Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.” – Jim Gaffigan

will arnett fathers day quote

5. “I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable, I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” – Will Arnett

father s day quotes 6

6. “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” — Charles Wadsworth

conan obrien fathers day quote

7. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24—36 hours.” – Conan O’Brien

jerry sienfeld fathers day quote

8. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

father s day quotes 9

9. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain

jim gaffigan fathers day quote

10. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” – Jim Gaffigan

father s day quotes 11

11. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin

lin manuel miranda fathers day quote

12. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin Manuel Miranda

father s day quotes 13

13. “Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I've come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life's most satisfying moments.” — Brad Pitt

father s day quotes 14

14. “The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid—but at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; it’s just full all the time.” – Matt Damon

jon stewart fathers day quote
David Roark/Disney via Getty Images

15. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

father s day quotes 16

16. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’” — Jerry Lewis

father s day quotes 17

17. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” – Ryan Reynolds

dax shepard fathers day quote

18. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ (I hadn't met my daughter yet.)” – Dax Shepard

father s day quotes 19

19. “When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” — Dave Attell

jim gaffigan fathers day quote1

20. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don't mean that.’“ – Jim Gaffigan

father s day quotes 21

21. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.” —Dave Barry

bob odenkirk fathers day quote

22. “My daughter got me a 'World’s Best Dad' mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” – Bob Odenkirk

father s day quotes 23

23. “My 4-year-old son gave me a hand made card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.” — Jim Gaffigan

taye diggs fathers day quote
Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images

24. “How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?” – Taye Diggs

father s day quotes 25

25. “Even though I'm proud my dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.” — Stewart Francis

father s day quotes 26

26. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” — Ryan Reynolds

Father s Day quote Justin Timberlake1

27. “I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.”—Justin Timberlake

father s day quotes 28

28. “I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.” — Kevin Hart

father s day quotes 29

29. “The most ridiculous thing I have heard myself say is, 'Do you want your pop-pop, your banky, or your baba?' Translation: 'Do you want your pacifier, your blanket or your bottle?'”— Taye Diggs

Father s Day quote Ashton Kutcher

30. “When you first get them...you're all excited, and you're ready to do all these things. Then you realize it's like getting a new cell phone where all the features don't work yet. It's like a phone [that] won't take pictures, and you're like 'Why won't my phone take pictures?!' And it won't make calls, and it doesn't do a lot. But it looks really cute!”— Ashton Kutcher

Father s Day quote Jerry Seinfeld

31. “Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.“ – Jerry Seinfeld

Father s Day quote Seth Myers

32. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, he’s got four teeth like they care.” —Seth Meyers

9

33. “Never underestimate kids' tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.” — Stephen Colbert

Father s Day uqote Ashton Kutcher 2

34. “The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven't done anything. I'm like, 'Well, we didn't break the first one.'” – Ashton Kutcher

Father s Day quote Neil Patrick Harris

35. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They'll do something that blows your mind and then they'll spit all their food on the carpet.” - Neil Patrick Harris

father s day quotes 36

36. “Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.”- Ryan Reynolds

father s day quotes 37

37. Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” -Conan O’Brien

father s day quotes 38

38. “I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.”-Jimmy Kimmel

father s day quotes 39

39. “Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you're 12, but every day.”- Mike Myers

father s day quotes 40

40. “The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” –John Green

father s day quotes 41

41. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” -Jim Gaffigan

father s day quotes 42

42. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” -Andy Richter

father s day quotes 43

43. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” -Robin Williams

father s day quotes 44

44. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” -Will Ferrell

father s day quotes 45

45. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner

father s day quotes 46

46. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” -Mark Ruffalo

father s day quotes 47

47. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -Greg Kinnear

father s day quotes 48

48. “Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’” – Chris Rock

father s day quotes 49

49. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons

father s day quotes 50

50. “Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” – Martin Mull

RELATED: 20 Father’s Day Activities That You Can Still Pull Off During Social Distancing

From Around The Web