Love ’em or groan at ’em, dad jokes are a part of life. Celebrate your special men with these hilarious (and true) Father’s Day quotes that show that even Ryan Reynolds, Stephen Colbert and Matt Damon are all trying to figure it out too. Jot one down in a card, team it with an Apple watch/couch coaster/eye mask and send it to dad, grandpa or your husband. You can also save one of these funnies for June 18, and post on your Insta or Facebook instead. (Just make sure dad knows how to work those.)
91 Funny Father’s Day Quotes That Sum Him Up Better Than a Dad Joke
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Published May 12, 2023
1. “Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
2. “Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” — Chris Martin
3. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” — Tim Russert
4. “Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.” — Jim Gaffigan
5. “I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable, I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” — Will Arnett
6. “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” — Charles Wadsworth
7. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.” — Conan O’Brien
8. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” — Jerry Seinfeld
9. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain
10. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” — Jim Gaffigan
11. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin
12. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin Manuel Miranda
13. “Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I've come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.” — Brad Pitt
David Roark/Disney via Getty Images
14. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
15. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’” — Jerry Lewis
16. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” – Ryan Reynolds
17. “When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” — Dave Attell
18. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” – Jim Gaffigan
19. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.” —Dave Barry
20. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” – Bob Odenkirk
21. “My 4-year-old son gave me a hand made card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.” — Jim Gaffigan
Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images
22. “How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?” – Taye Diggs
23. “Even though I’m proud my dad invented the rear-view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.” — Stewart Francis
24. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” — Ryan Reynolds
25. “I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.”—Justin Timberlake
26. “I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.” — Kevin Hart
27. “The most ridiculous thing I have heard myself say is, ‘Do you want your pop-pop, your banky, or your baba?’ Translation: 'Do you want your pacifier, your blanket or your bottle?’” — Taye Diggs
28. “When you first get them...you’re all excited, and you’re ready to do all these things. Then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet. It’s like a phone [that] won’t take pictures, and you're like ‘Why won’t my phone take pictures?!’ And it won’t make calls, and it doesn’t do a lot. But it looks really cute!”— Ashton Kutcher
29. “Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.” — Jerry Seinfeld
30. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, he’s got four teeth like they care.” — Seth Meyers
31. “Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.” — Stephen Colbert
32. “The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven’t done anything. I’m like, ‘Well, we didn’t break the first one.’” — Ashton Kutcher
33. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” — Neil Patrick Harris
34. “Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.” — Ryan Reynolds
35. Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien
36. “I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.” — Jimmy Kimmel
37. “Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” — Mike Myers
38. “The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” — John Green
39. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” — Jim Gaffigan
40. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” — Andy Richter
41. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” — Robin Williams
42. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye…get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” — Will Ferrell
43. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” — Ed Asner
44. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” — Mark Ruffalo
45. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” — Greg Kinnear
46. “Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’” — Chris Rock
47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” — Red Buttons
48. “Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” — Martin Mull
49. “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.” — Jimmy Valvano
50. “The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” — Rob Delaney
51. “Teenagers should be an affliction. Like, ‘Hey, Will, how you doing?’ ‘Man, I got teenagers. Simplex 2, man, Simplex 2.’ It takes everything you have to raise teenagers.” — Will Smith
52. “A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” — Gabriel Garcia Marquez
53. “Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” — Reed Markham
54. “Missing your child’s first walk proves you are a father.” — Stephen Colbert
55. “I have a lot of kids. I say a lot because I don’t know the real number.” — Jim Gaffigan
56. “I used to say ‘I would take a bullet for you, I could never love anything as much as I love you.’ I would say that to my wife, but the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield.” — Ryan Reynolds
57. “Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.” — Jimmy Fallon
58. “Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.” — Al Unser
59. “A good father is one whose only reason for putting down a laughing baby is to pick up a crying one.” — Linda Poindexter
60. “A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” — Frank A. Clark
61. “I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” —Mario Cuomo
62. “A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house.” — Paul Lewis
63. “I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” — Rita Rudner
64. “Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” — Rodney Dangerfield
65. “We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’” — Erma Bombeck
66. “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.” — Clarence Darrow
67. “Four-year-old: ‘Tell me a scary story!’ Me: ‘One time, little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.’ Four-year-old: ‘Why?’” — James Breakwell
68. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.” — Jeff Foxworthy
69. “I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” — George W. Bush
70. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan
71. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” — Dax Shepard
![father's day quotes: “The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid, but—at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.” — Matt Damon](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes-72_2.png?fit=680%2C860)
72. “The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid, but—at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.” — Matt Damon
73. “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” — Anne Geddes
![father's day quotes: “I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” — Elton John](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes_79.png?fit=680%2C860)
74. “I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” — Elton John
75. “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” — Harry S. Truman
![father's day quotes: “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” —Tim McGraw](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes_81.png?fit=680%2C860)
76. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” —Tim McGraw
77. “My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.” — Connie Schultz
78. “The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.” —Dave Barry
79. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” ― John Wilmot
80. “I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn't have to be.” — Brad Paisley
81. “The best fathers have the softest, sweetest hearts. In other words, great dads are real marshmallows.” Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons
82. “Everyone can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad.” — Wade Boggs
83. “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” — Clarence B. Kelland
84. “Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, storytellers, singers of songs.” — Pam Brown
85. “My father taught me to work hard, laugh often and keep my word.” — Michelle Obama
86. “I don’t have to prepare to be wrapped around my daughter’s finger. I have been wrapped around her little finger since the day she plopped out into this world.” — Ryan Reynolds
87. “I watch my daughter wanting to be like other kids and getting upset that she’s not. But I always try and instill in her the idea that she’s perfect as she is.” — Idris Elba
88. “Success, and even life itself, wouldn’t be worth anything if I didn’t have my children by my side. They mean everything to me.” — Jude Law
89. “It’s legitimately the greatest thing ever…It just makes me want to be better.” — Ashton Kutcher
![father's day quotes: “I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing.” — Chris Hemsworth](https://publish.purewow.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/06/fathers-day-quotes_95.png?fit=680%2C860)
90. “I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing.” — Chris Hemsworth
91. “My children’s happiness, their safety, and their well-being, is the most paramount thing in my life. You just want to protect them at all costs.” — John Krasinski
