Whether you’ve been married for two years or two decades, one simple truth remains: marriage takes a lot of work (not to mention, tons of patience!). And while the biggest relationship lessons tend to come from experience, it never hurts to get some added insight from other couples who said “I do.” This time around, we’re turning to some of our favorite celebrity wives and husbands, who know all too well that marriage is as funny as it is complicated. From the mouths of Catherine Zeta-Jones, Kristen Bell and beyond, here are 32 funny marriage quotes that’ll make you chuckle and say, “same.”
32 Funny Marriage Quotes from Our Fave Celebrities, Including Kristen Bell, Catherine Zeta-Jones & More
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Published Mar 17, 2021
1. “only Married People Can Understand How You Can Be Miserable And Happy At The Same Time." — Chris Rock
2. “just Found Out The Wife Is Writing A Book About Our Honeymoon Called 50 Shades Of Just Ok.” —conan O’brien
3. “i Love Being Married. It's So Great To Find That One Special Person You Want To Annoy For The Rest Of Your Life." — Rita Rudner
4. “I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’” — Gwyneth Paltrow
5. “I think a good rule of thumb is to never play ‘f**k/marry/kill’ between other couples you are currently sitting with.” — Chrissy Teigen
6. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom. The end.” — Catherine Zeta-Jones
7. “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” —Ruth Bader Ginsburg
8. "We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she's getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it's working." — Justin Timberlake
9. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” —Megan Mullally
10. “as Long As You Know Men Are Like Children, You Know Everything!” ― Coco Chanel
11. I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids. — Molly McNearney
12. “a Good Friend Just Told Me That The Key To A Successful Marriage Was To Argue Naked.” — Leann Rimes
13. “husbands Are Like Fires. They Go Out When Unattended.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
14. “i Am A Very Committed Wife. And I Should Be Committed, Too—for Being Married So Many Times.” — Elizabeth Taylor
15. "i Married For Love But The Obvious Side Benefit Of Having Someone Around To Find My Glasses Cannot Be Ignored." — Cameron Esposito
16. “i'm Just A Diaper-changing Facility Hooked Up To A Life-support System, But My Wife, She's Breakfast, Lunch, And Dinner. She's A Human Denny's All Day Long.” — Ryan Reynolds
17. “i’d Like To Publicly Thank My Husband For Changing Half The Diapers In Our House. I Hope He Changes All Of Mine One Day…” — Kristen Bell
18. "i Love My Husband, But No Matter Where We Are, I Make Him Sleep Closest To The Door So If Anything Happens, He Gets Murdered First." — Jessica Valenti
19. “marriage Has No Guarantees. If That’s What You’re Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.” — Erma Bombeck
20. “getting Married Is Like Trading The Adoration Of Many For The Sarcasm Of One.”— Mae West
21. “marriage Is Work. Marriage Is A Career. It's Not An Adventure, You Do More Before Five Than Most Folks Do All Day.”— Sinbad
22. “before You Marry A Person, You Should First Make Them Use A Computer With Slow Internet To See Who They Really Are.”—will Ferrell
23. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
24. "Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there. You come back from work, she's there. You fall asleep, she's there. You eat dinner, she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not." — Ray Barone
25. "My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
26. "Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?" — Dennis Miller
27. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers." — Richard Pryor
28. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
29. "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
30. “you Know There Is A Name For People Who Are Always Wrong About Everything All The Time… Husband!” — Bill Maher
31. “my Wife And I Were Happy For 20 Years. Then We Met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
32. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” — Winston Churchill
