Last week, HBO released the script for the Game of Thrones season seven finale, “The Dragon and the Wolf,” to the Emmys committee (a requirement for the category of “Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series”). The show dominates this year with 22 nominations overall.
But it wasn’t the realization that Tormund may have actually survived the devastating Viserion scene (we kinda already knew that, anyway) that grabbed our attention. Nope, it was the actual writing, which sounds like it was penned by teenage Tommen (RIP) after a few too many carafes of wine.
To be fair, we fully trust that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss know what they’re doing here (we mean, 22 noms is no joke). But we couldn’t help but LOL at some of the cues to actors. For instance, in a scene at Winterfell:
Sansa stands alone, staring across the snow-shrouded moors.
She wears a hood to protect her from the wind and the snow,
making her look like the French Lieutenant’s Woman, a
reference Sophie Turner will just have to Google.
We don’t have access to her interior monologue,
but we’re looking at Dark Sansa here, that much is clear.
That Meryl Streep reference, though…Also, what is Dark Sansa? Guess we’ll just have to Google it.
Another gem, in Theon’s scene:
Theon, his face a bloody mess, rises to his feet a third time.
Harrag takes a deep breath. He charges at Theon, throwing everything he’s got left at his adversary.
Clutching Theon’s face in his big, dirty hands, Harrag slams his knee into Theon’s groin.
But Theon has no balls.
Just the slightest possible smile from Theon, as he receives his first ever benefit from castration.
He slams his forehead into Harrag’s nose, the single greatest headbutt in the history of filmed headbutts.
And, finally, the pièce de résistance, after Daenerys sides with Jon and they decide to sail north together:
Jon doesn’t quite smile because smiling would seem inappropriate. But still, that almost looks like a smile.
Jorah nods in deference. But he’s not smiling at all. F*—ing punkass little shitburger stole my khaleesi!
There you have it, folks. Jon Snow is the “f*—ing punkass little shitburger (that) stole my khaleesi!”
If the show ever feels too heavy to you, just remember that these are the cues the actors are taking. (And that it’s always OK—a directive, even—to just Google it.)