23 Things Only New Moms Understand

Like Boppys. And topless Googling.

Welp, you had the baby. You’ve officially entered the most underslept, overly emotional and ludicrously milk-covered club in the entire world: the Secret Society of Brand-New Moms. Here, 23 things you now finally “get.”

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1. That one's entire existence can indeed revolve around one's boobs.

2. To the extent that it's not at all weird for your mother-in-law (or mailman) to see you topless.

3. Also not weird: spending $56 on a bra that has little cutouts for your nipples.

4. Or keeping a ponytail holder on your wrist to remind you which side to start on. (But then not being entirely sure if you put it on the right wrist anyway and, ah, screw it, you’ll just start on the left.)


5. That you can totally survive on four hours of sleep for 12 nights straight.

6. But that it will cause you to cry at laundry detergent commercials, place your car keys in the fridge and occasionally call your spouse by your cat's name.

7. That in addition to the sucking reflex, all infants are born with the ability to break out of their swaddles.

8. And that those cheaty Velcro ones are worth every penny.

9. That Googling the phrase "should a baby sleep in a Rock 'n Play?" will yield nothing but grief.

10. That, no, you probably won't roll over him if you end up in the same bed.

11. But that no matter where you let your kid sleep, your mother will comment that that's not how they did it in her day.


12. That there is no phrase more annoying than "Is she sleeping through the night?"

13. And none more welcome than "Can I hold him for a while so you can take a shower?"

14. That everyone will wax philosophical about who your baby looks like, even though she's six days old and basically looks like a hamster.

15. And then insist on telling you their labor story even though you did not ask to hear it.

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16. That finally being allowed to eat deli meat and sushi is the eff-ing best.

17. That Tummy Time is the eff-ing worst.

18. That there is no greater sadness than the medical-grade underpants they give you at the hospital.

19. That nobody actually knows how to tie a Moby wrap.


20. That when your baby finally falls asleep with his tiny hand around your finger and his silky little head against your bare chest, you will beg for a way to freeze time and capture this moment forever. (Then realize that your left arm has gone completely numb.)

21. That watching the sunrise is pretty majestic.

22. That your spouse will amaze you... and disappoint you... and then completely save your sleep-deprived ass--all in the course of a single 3 a.m. diaper change.

23. And that whoever invented the Boppy deserves a gold medal in engineering.