Never have I pondered the health of my marriage more than when I dive deep into the relationship research conducted by the Gottman Institute, led by Dr. John and Julie Gottman—both world-renowned for their work on marital stability, but also the reasons marriages culminate in divorce.
That’s how I discovered what they call the Soft Startup, a technique for fighting fair that comes with a divorce predictor: The more likely couples are to employ it during the first few minutes of a disagreement, the less likely they are to split.
Here’s how it works: At the outset of a fight—meaning the entry point to bringing up a grievance—couples with healthier marriages complain, but never blame. In other words, your intro to a tense conversation isn’t a character assassination of your spouse. Instead, you’re raising a complaint that’s valid, but minus any direct criticism of their actions or an attacking tone. (Yes, body language, like an eye roll, counts.) This way, the priority is on staying constructive, which ultimately enables your partner to be receptive to your concerns vs. put on the defensive.
Some helpful examples of a soft startup: “I’m frustrated that the dirty dishes are always piled up in the sink at to the end of the night” vs. “You never do the dishes and leave all the work to me, and I’m tired of it.”
