ComScore

My Husband and I Go Months Without Sex...Is That Bad?

Sexless Marriage Advice universal
miakievy/Getty Images

My husband and I don't really have sex all that much. The last time was probably 2 months or so ago. Don’t get me wrong, we love each other, but between work, the kids, the dog, and our favorite streaming shows, it's come (or not come!) to this. Isn't constant sex, 10 plus years in, overrated anyway? – Netflix & Chillaxed

For many of us lifers, hot and bothered has long been replaced by can’t be bothered, and the excited, anticipatory, butterfly sensation we used to have in our stomach about our partner, we now call “acid reflux.”

But wanna know a secret? Umpteen years (29) into my life sentence, I finally learned that when I stop listening to the voice in my head that opts for TV over sex, it’s a good thing.

Indeed, the more I jump my partner, the more I like them.

Problem is, how often do any of us really feel like doing (pun intended) what’s good for us? Left to our own devices, we skip the gym, overeat, under-sleep, push snooze (x4) for an alarm we set, etc; and, so long as we feel an inch guilty about any of it, we consider ourselves good humans. Now, add years of marriage to the mix, work, a kid or two, a dog, a pandemic stint, HBO Max, and what do you got?

Answer: A sexless marriage, a crossbody bag full of understandable, universal excuses and a business relationship to raise kids and/or pets.

The even bigger challenge? The more we’re willing to consider how to like our partners enough to jump them again, the more we have to be willing to give them the answers to the pop quiz we didn’t even know we were proctoring. 

With the likes of Steve Carrell chained to a bed weekly (see: The Patient), do we really readily hand our mates the How to Get Laid Ever Again crib sheet? Do we even actually want them to get an A (LOL, for ass)?

Uh oh.

Here’s a tool to help you and me both not be a tool in this arena:

  1. Make a promise to have sex with your partner X times a week
  2. This is probably a given, but don’t overpromise. Personally, my promise is to have sex with my husband at least twice a week. If you just burped up bile, take a Prilosec, and start with a promise of once a week
  3. Tell your mate your promise
  4. Breathe; #3 was a doozie
  5. Come up with an incentive. Turns out, humankind is not only not so kind or interested in doing what makes us proud, we also suck at keeping promises to ourselves. So, for example, if you don’t have sex as promised, you lose one episode of the show you’re currently obsessed with (permanently). You get the idea: Something slightly funny and largely irksome that will have you fight to keep your promise.
  6. If there is a bunch of stuff (technical term) you need your mate to say, do, not do, in order to get laid again, tell them. NICELY.
  7. Have fun. No one said promise to have shitty sex.

Once we realize that we’ve not only given sex a shelf life, but also benched ourselves from this fun form of intimacy, we can do something about it. We can make sure our own happiness comes (spelled both ways) first.

Drop mic remote.

Let me know how it goes!

Love,
Marnie

Marnie Nir is formerly an Expert Life Coach, and Chief Creative Officer of a decade at coaching firm Handel Group, ghostwriter of the book “Maybe It’s You” and writer of the online courses: Inner.U Life, Love, Student, and Career.

My Boyfriend Wants Me to Take Down Photos of My Ex—Is That Fair?